Midlife Mastery Journal » Spirituality

Cleaning Up the Wreckage Part III: “What Can I Do?”

Les Brown — Sun, 09 May 2010 14:17:03 +0000

A relationship is a living thing. Every one of them requires nurturing and protection, otherwise it may all too easily become injured, sicken, weaken, and even die; and, for us human beings, relationships are not optional: they literally make up the fabric of our very being. Scientists discovered a long time ago that infants who were not touched and held, although otherwise healthy and strong, would before long wither and die. We cannot live without relationships anymore than we could live in a two-dimensional world. Life without depth would be meaningless. Even hermits, who go off to live their lives in seeming isolation from ‘the world,’ speak of how they intentionally and virtually bring the whole world with them into their hermitage. Though isolated, they are not alone.

What is the nature of these vitally important relationships. We live in a three-dimensional world, and our relationships, too, are three-dimensional (whether or not we are aware of them). Let’s take a brief look at what it means to be in relationship.

At the center of our relational awareness are all those other people who share our lives and/or our consciousness. Our significant other or spouse, our parents and/or children, our extended family, our ‘family of choice’ (our BFFs), our acquaintances (our fellow-workers, those we hire, those who serve our needs and wants). Then, there are those nameless faces who we encounter as we go about the work of living: the other Joes and Janes ‘on the bus’ (so to speak): the ‘extras’ who share the stage with us for a moment or two, interact with us (or not) and then depart, never to be seen again. They’re all there. But there are many more ‘out there’ — people who never even enter into our awareness or consideration. These are all the people who share a relationship with the people who interact with us.

Our behavior not only affects those with whom we share a relationship, like ripples in a pond, what we think, say, and do has a very real affect on those unseen people in our world who are affected by those we affect. A parent becomes angry at a child because s/he has had a “hard day” because the boss was in a foul mood. The boss is in a foul mood because one of his customers pulled a dirty trick on him, and caused him to lose the business. The unreasonable customer is not even aware that the crying child exists, but you can trace the effects of her/his actions directly. As we shall see, there is no such thing as an ‘isolated’ incident: everything we do has consequences in the world of our relationships.

The second ‘dimension’ of our three-dimensional world of relationships refers to the connection that we maintain with our Higher Power (whom I shall refer to here as God). My personal experience has been that the Judeo-Christian belief system seems to bridge the chasm between the divine and the human better than any other system of which I am aware, and that is an absolutely essential connection for building and maintaining a vital spiritual life. The Judeo-Christian traditions insist on the fact that our relationship with God exists only in and through our relationship with our fellows. “Whatsoever you do to the least of these, my brothers and sisters, you do to me,” Jesus is quoted as saying. “Where two or more of you are gathered in my name, there am I within/among you (en humin).” Genuine spirituality discovers the divine within the human. Therefore, our relationship with God stands or falls as a direct consequence of how we interrelate with one another . . . particularly those whom we find most troublesome!

The third dimension of our three-dimensional world of relationships is the one that I fear we ignore and neglect the most: our relationship with ourselves. Most of us would break up with a partner who treated us the way we treat ourselves. We’re hard on ourselves, uncompromising, merciless, speak to ourselves rudely, punish ourselves, and, what’s perhaps worst of all, we withhold affection, kindness, and appreciation from ourselves. At the same time, we tend to be neglectful and ridiculously permissive. It would literally be a criminal offense if we raised a child the same way we tend to parent ourselves. At the same time, we seem to be unaware that we are responsible not only for living up to our social responsibilities, but we are also even more responsible for holding up our own side of those responsibilities. Every time we hurt or neglect our relationship with ourselves, we make ourselves less available to show up for all those relationships that we talked about with others.

There is no such thing as a ‘solitary sin.’ (We define ‘sin’ as a deliberate choice of an unworthy end, or unworthy means to attain an end, worthy or not. ‘Sin’ is distinguished from ‘mistake’ by the willful, conscious choice.) Every bad choice we make first of all damages our relationship with our (present and future) selves. Our choices can injure or even kill any possibility we may otherwise have had of reaching our God-given destiny. Whether or not we are aware of them, others (may hundreds or thousands of people) will be directly affected by our choices. People we don’t even know depend on us; and when we are not the people we could have been (and should have been), we let them down. Finally, God is manifest in and through these people. Your choices cannot ‘hurt’ God; but they can injure or destroy your relationship with God! We can only pray for forgiveness for those who turn their wrath on others in the name of God, because most truly, “they know not what they do.”

In the past two articles, I’ve discussed the first two approaches to cleaning up the wreckage that we’ve caused by our bad choices: first, by acknowledging our responsibility for our mess, then, by expressing genuine sorrow for what we’ve done. Now that we’ve taken a look at the far-reaching effects of our actions, we may want to deepen that acknowledgment, and expand our expressions of sorrow. After that, it’s time to take the third step: into action. It’s time to do the work necessary to heal all these injured and broken relationships. That starts with asking, “What can I do to make it up to you?” Then, it requires listening to the answer (not only from family, friends and acquaintances, but also from ourselves and from God) and then doing something to make amends.

There is always something you can do. You can start by changing your mind and working to renew and repair your attitudes. Then you can renew your commitment to pay more and better attention to the most important relationships in your life. You can work to heal yourself. What’s that going to take? Look at yourself as if you were a third person and ask yourself what this person needs; then do something to provide that. Get help! One of the most powerful (and under-used) tools for positive change that you possess is accountability. Use a trusted friend, a coach, a mentor, a therapist, etc. to provide you with that accountability. It can work magic! Then work to appreciate better the relationships that you have. Each one takes time and effort. Do whatever is necessary to repair, heal, and strengthen each one (regardless of how unimportant you may think some to be).

One final caveat: don’t think that just because you’ve prayed, “Oh, God, I’ve sinned and I’m sorry!” that you’ve done anything significant. What happens when you get to stage three and pray, “What can I do to make it up to you?” God is going to say (and has already told you) what needs to be done: “Heal your relationships with one another.” So long as any relationship in your life (including your relationship with yourself) remains unhealed, your relationship with God remains injured or broken. Reality doesn’t respect doctrine: whatever your personal beliefs may be, spirituality demands that your relationship with your Higher Power be healed in and through your other relationships. “Whatsoever you do to the least of my sisters and brothers, you do to me.”

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

I’ve Wasted My Life!

Les Brown — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 12:47:05 +0000

Have you ever taken a look back at all the twists and turns that your life has taken, and said to yourself, “What was all that about?” I know that I have . . . many times. When I used to think back to all the schooling I had and the work I did to prepare for my chosen profession and consider the relatively short period of time I actually spent in that profession before walking away from it, I would wonder what good it did me. When I remembered all the skills I developed from one career to the next, skills I’ll probably never used again in my life, I wonder what for. When I think back on all the crud I put up with from the ‘significant others’ in my life who eventually were never to be seen or heard from again (often thankfully), it would seem like such a waste. And then, when I considered all the hours I spent sweating and grunting and groaning in the gym and then look at the body I’ve wound up with, I certainly could have some serious doubts about what I ultimately gained from it.

The coming of midlife, when life’s pathways begin to diverge seriously from the map we’ve so carefully crafted for ourselves, brings with it the equivalent of an ‘engraved invitation’ to indulge ourselves in a virtual orgy of self-doubt. At these times of reflection, we’re tempted to look at all the personal resources that we’ve expended over the years to live up to expectations — from others (parents, teachers, spiritual and civic leaders, ‘gurus’ of various flavors, elders, mentors, friends, etc.) as well as from our own egos — and to question most seriously what it was all for. Over the years, haven’t I repeatedly just wasted my money, my blood, sweat, and tears, and, most precious of all to me, my time? Poet Robert Frost wrote about the ‘road not taken,’ but, at midlife we start to think back more frequently concerning the ‘road once taken, but abandoned.’ Was it worth it? Not so much. Is there an answer?

You betcha! By this time, as a Midlife Master, you must have realized that your perspective on life and love is not just your point of view: how you look at life, the universe, and everything actually creates the reality in which you live and move and have your being. When it all fails to make sense, it’s not the reality that needs adjusting; it’s your perspective on it.

I was in a meeting yesterday where a brilliantly insightful member shared how everything in her life served to prepare her for what came next, and, in addition, the skills and understanding she gained through careful adherence to the detailed policies and procedures she was ‘force’ to follow won her the freedom to innovate later on when she was no longer constrained (or no longer chose to be constrained) by external authorities or personal or institutional demands. I thought that her reflections on the topic were so incisive that I told her after the meeting that I was going to write about it. This aspect of midlife affects everyone who passes through it, in one way or another.

Take our experience with religion, for example. For years, in the ministry and long after, I’ve heard people complain about how mistreated they were by the religious institution they were brought up in, or how religious institutions deal unlovingly with their own members or with outsiders. I’ve listened to more than my share of tirades against the ‘institutional church.’ In each case, the indignant speaker cites personal or public anecdotes to demonstrate why s/he feels victimized by the institution and, in many cases, why those events should serve as evidence not only for the hypocrisy of religion in general, but also for the non-existence of God. This argument has spawned a plethora of folks who take great pride in proclaiming to whomever may be listening that they are ‘spiritual but not religious’ people. In their estimation,’religion’ represents a blight of ignorance on humanity rather than what its definition intends it to be: the summons to mindfulness.

Yet, ironically, it’s that very mindfulness that I find lacking in their arguments. There are many purposes for religious institutions, among which are the preservation and safeguarding of human spiritual experience (through Tradition with a capital ‘T’ as enshrined in Scriptures with a capital ‘S’) and the tutelage of each successive generation of novice believers (through institutional discipline as enshrined in its rules and regulations). Without those services to humanity, our common spiritual experience through which Higher Power communicates with humankind would be lost forever, and each generation would have to begin from square one learning the language of the divine.

At the same time, those who complain about how they were mistreated by religious institutions may not realize that, as people who insist on considering themselves victims, they have failed to grasp the very lessons that those religious institutions are in place to teach: namely, that no one can take advantage of you without your permission. Life is full of injustice; from earliest childhood to the indignities of old age, everyone at some time suffers pain of some sort at the hands of others. That is not the lesson that life teaches. That is simply a fact of life, like birth and death.

The lesson that life teaches concerns how we deal with the pain we encounter. Wallowing in blame and resentment only cements our status as victims. Yet, we are not victims unless we choose to be so! All tutelage — especially that offered by religious institutions — provides us with the platform from which we can learn how to transcend other-focused blame and resentment and gain independence and mature self-possession. Without spiritual tutelage (lessons in meditation and discipline), spiritual maturity would be impossible.

Nothing that you have experienced in life has gone to waste. Every element, every experience, every moment you’ve spent in travail has provided you with an opportunity — an invitation — to growth. Every moment you’ve lived and every person you’ve loved and every thought you’ve thought and every breath you’ve breathed has become a part of the person you are today. Some of those experiences have provided you with the raw materials you needed to grow both strong and wise. Other experiences (particularly those you’re allowing to haunt you as resentments) await the moment when you’ll assimilate them, too, into your growth process. Each one of them came to you as a gift that you need right now to become the person that you were destined to be. Whether or not you actually become that person is your choice: at any given moment, you have the choice either to resent the teacher or to be grateful for the lesson. So then, what’ll it be?

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

Why Are You Doing This to Me?

Les Brown — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 11:00:42 +0000

That is the cry of the “innocent victim” . . . most often followed by, “After all I’ve done for you!” Does this sound at all familiar? You generally can hear this coming out of your mouth after someone has dropped a ‘but bomb‘ on you. Seldom can you see a ‘but bomb’ coming; but when it hits, it sounds like this: You yell it at your spouse when s/he says: “I still love you BUT I’m not in love with you anymore.” You yell it at your boss when s/he says: “You’ve been a great asset to the company BUT your position has been eliminated.” Or, you yell it at God when your doctor syas: “It’s probably nothing BUT I’d like to see you in my office right away for more tests.”

“Why are you doing this to me” emerges as the heart-rending cry of a woman or man who’s just had the stilts knocked out from under him or her and it’s the lament of the person suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of injustice. We have heard this lament (or similar cries) for as long as we humans have been encountering adversity. Here’s a passage from the prophet Isaiah (6:11-12):

Then I said, “Lord, how long?” And He answered,
“Until cities are devastated and without inhabitant,
Houses are without people
And the land is utterly desolate,
The LORD has removed men far away,
And the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land.”

We might consider this age-old lament — first thought and then spoken — to be the “opening theme,” so to speak, for the entrance into the midlife transition. “Why are you doing this to me?” is the sound an adult makes when her or his world has been upended. To understand this, we need to remember the characteristics of adulthood. Once we have become an adult, we assume our independence and personal authority. Not only are we emancipated from parental controls, we also emerge from parental protection. The burden of providing for our own security is transferred onto our own shoulders and, to a great extent, we are judged (and we judge ourselves) on how successfully we’re able to provide for ourselves (and, eventually, for our families).

Adulthood provides us with some preliminary answers to life’s greatest questions: Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I capable? Am I lovable? Am I respectable? Am I honorable? Am I the woman or man whom my parents, my spouse, my children, my community can be proud of? Do I measure up to expectations? Adulthood defines success as receiving a resounding “Yes!” to all of these questions. For the adult, even kindness and generosity will be motivated and judged by what we imagine others are expecting of us, which, unsurprisingly, is most often identical to what we are expecting of ourselves. This is how the adult defines self-esteem, and this is precisely why, when one of those ‘but bombs’ hits an adult, it can be so devastating. “Why are you doing this to me?” means, in effect, “Why are you deliberately sabotaging everything that I’ve been trying to accomplish?”

Welcome to the midlife transition! Here’s your opportunity to leave the misconceptions of adulthood behind, and to step out into the clear light of maturity. All of the misconceptions of adulthood — that your value as a person is based on how well you perform and how effective you are at achieving a reasonable level of security — are based on one fundamentally flawed concept: that it’s all about you. How successful you are at making the midlife transition depends almost entirely on how effective you are at ridding yourself of that one erroneous concept. No, it’s not all about you, and it never was. ‘Success’ can never be achieved through living up to anyone’s expectations . . . even God’s!*

So long as we’re stuck in the ‘me-centered’ universe of adulthood, challenges and adversity will continue to appear to us to be focused on us (because that’s where our unconscious focus lies, and that’s the perspective from which we view everything that happens around us). As I mentioned before, “Why are you doing this to me?” is the cry of the ‘innocent victim.’ You may, possibly, be ‘innocent’ (although in the majority of cases, you have very probably been guilty at least of neglect and/or misprioritization), but you are not a victim. Keep this in mind: nobody can make you a victim without your permission. Victimhood represents the childish ‘it’s all about me’ attitude taken to its logical conclusion: I’m the cause of everything that happens.

What if you’re not all that important? What if it’s not “all about you”? What if the challenges that you’re facing in life (including all the ‘but bombs’) are simply examples of the collateral damage that occurs naturally as the universe struggles to sort itself out in its evolution? There’s the paradigm shift — the evolution in perspective — that differentiates mere ‘adults’ from those who are spiritually mature: stuff happens. Very often you may become implicated in that stuff that happens, and you have to deal with it, even though it’s not about you. The longer you live, the more stuff you’ll encounter: you’re going to lose every job you hold; every relationship that you value is going to break up; your health will be compromised; you will die. Nobody — God included — is ‘doing this stuff to you.’ It’s just life, and, with birth, you’ve bought your ticket and you’re on the ride.

Once you’ve attained this shift in perspective that so characterizes the midlife transformation, your whole approach to life and love will change. You will no longer be so preoccupied with your acquisitions and your accomplishments, and you will increasingly dedicate yourself to discovering and carrying out with integrity the purpose for which you’ve been given this amazing gift of life. Happily, the mature woman or man realizes that his or her life’s ‘purpose’ is always evolving, always ‘in process’ and, therefore, always in constant need of rediscovery, reinterpretation and redefinition. Regardless of the challenges you may face, you can receive each one as it really is: just another opportunity to grow, to evolve, and to deepen your connection with and reliance on the Ground of your being, that Power greater than yourself, the One who sent you here.

God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help
of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life.
May I do Thy will always.
Amen.

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

______
“God’s expectations” of us refers, of course, to our understanding of those expectations. God’s real expectations of us only reveal themselves gradually over time. Much of what we think are God’s expectations are merely our assumptions based on what we’ve been taught or projections of our expectations of ourselves.

Reinventing Yourself (or, Learning How to Fly)

Les Brown — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 12:04:48 +0000

If you haven’t yet noticed my attraction to silly things, let me now bring it to your attention. I discovered a long time ago that, very often, silly things contain far more wisdom than sensible things. It’s one of the great ironies of our universe. Take, for example, that incredibly silly series of books by Douglas Adams that goes by the title The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. There’s enough silliness (and, consequently, wisdom) in those pages to last a person the better part of a lifetime. Take, for example, the excerpt from the Guide that appears in the third book of the trilogy (Life, The Universe, and Everything) under the heading “RECREATIONAL IMPOSSIBILITIES.” According to Adams, the Guide says this about flying: “There is an art, . . . or, rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”*

Of course, Adams (quoting the Guide) goes on to explain more about how throwing yourself at the ground is easy, but knowing exactly how one needs to go about missing the ground can be a little tricky. But I won’t pursue that, because it has nothing whatever to do with the reason I’ve brought it up at all. Besides, what on earth does this have to do with midlife or a spiritual crisis? What’s so extremely valuable about this somewhat unusual approach to flying is that it’s so silly that it’s incredibly insightful. Once again, our whole approach to something like flying is defined and pretty much wholly decided by the bucket of assumptions that we bring to it. That’s why I need to tell you that the decision that you (and many other people) may have made to reinvent yourself at midlife is exactly like the decision to learn to fly: until you empty your bucket of assumptions, you’ll keep falling flat on your face. Sound familiar? You throw yourself at the ground, but you keep not missing! You’ll need to follow me closely now: this silliness is going somewhere . . .

You may still think that, when circumstances change drastically (like they do at midlife), reinventing yourself would seem to be a very wise thing to do. I say ‘seem to be’ because that’s all based on your set of assumptions. You assume that it’s possible to ‘reinvent’ yourself, and you further assume that you know how to do it. Interestingly enough, it isn’t, and you don’t. You are the product of the sum total of your genetic makeup plus your defining experiences as determined by a lifetime of choices you made either in response to changes in your environment or in an effort to change your environment. Your life is a continuum. You may change your mind; you may change your direction; but, you’re not going to ‘reinvent’ the person that you’ve become anymore than you can ‘reinvent’ your genetic code.

Now that you’re beginning to see the problem (and being sensible isn’t working all that well), it’s time to bring on the silliness! Instead of focusing more of your time and energy on an impossibility that won’t work, why not throw out your assumptions entirely, and re-define the problem into one that will work? Specifically, in the same way as Douglas Adams redefined the problem with light from one of how to leave the ground to one of how to avoid hitting it. So, perhaps the spiritual answer to the midlife crisis is less about reinventing yourself in response to the world, and more about reinventing the world that you’re an integral part of. Let me just say that reinventing your world is a whole lot easier than missing the ground, once you’ve thrown yourself at it.

Where to start? Traditional Chinese medicine teaches that one should begin treating a problem in as remote a spot from the problem as possible. We can do the same, and, since the ‘problem’ is you, we’ll start as far removed from you as we can: with your job or career. Rather than start with the question, “How can I become a raging success in my chosen field?” you can start by telling yourself: “This is not a dress rehearsal. This is the only life I’ve got. What do I want to do with it . . . rather, what do I need to do with it?” At midlife, it’s time to take true ownership of your life. You’re not being controlled by your parents, your upbringing, your religion, your politics, or anything else outside of yourself. At midlife, it’s time to stop making excuses for why you aren’t the person you’d really like to be, and start doing something about it.

This is called ‘goal setting’ and I assume that, over the years, you’ve already heard a lot about it. If you’ve not only heard of goal-setting, but listened to what people have been telling you, then you have a very clear, distinct, and detailed vision of the life that you want to live, and you’ve banished the words “I should” “I’ve got to” “I have to” “I need to” from your vocabulary, and you’ve replaced them all with “I want to.” You’ve also succeeded in replacing the phony buck-passing phrase “I can’t” with the true self-aligned one: “I won’t.” Finally, you already know whether or not your current job or career is healthy and serves to promote your life vision, or it’s unhealthy and keeping you stuck and away from becoming the person you truly desire to be and, right now, you’re implementing a plan to change it.

German existentialist philosopher Martin Heidegger defined human life as “being-in-the-world with others.” At midlife, perhaps more than at any other time, we have the opportunity to experience what he meant. ‘Others’ are not optional equipment to make use of for our own purposes. Once again, with all our relationships, spirituality challenges us to empty out our assumptions about who these people are, why they’re in our lives, and what purpose they may serve for us.

The people with whom you share an intimacy are a constitutive part of what life means for you. Whether or not you have an explicit relationship with another, you can’t just throw any of them away (no matter how tempting it may be). Each one you encounter is essential to your own human existence — not only because you rely on them for what they can provide for you or do for you — because each person you meet has something essential to tell you about who you are. This is even more true when your encounters gain intimacy. Dating, they say, is your opportunity to learn about yourself. A relationship is a 24/7 date. By reinventing how you look at the people in your life (from seeing them as obstacles or benefits to you, to seeing them as the only mirrors you have that show you who you really are), you suddenly no longer want them to change. You need them to stay as they are, because only then do you recognize that what you dislike most about anything you see in them is only your own reflection.

Finally, and most importantly — the most intimate relationship you have — your relationship with yourself. Here’s where the spiritual ‘rubber meets the road.’ For most people, adolescence and adulthood are both characterized by the assuming and shouldering of responsibilities as they go about the work of self-actualization. The focus is generally on creating a safe and secure life for ‘me and mine.’ It’s a period of acquisition and immersion into the struggle to hold on to what they’ve got, even as ‘what they’ve got’ grows and the struggle intensifies.

Regardless of the cause, at midlife, the curtain gets pulled back only to reveal the emptiness and purposelessness of a life lived for acquisition and self-aggrandizement. Whoever dies with the most toys wins . . . the booby prize. In whatever form it takes — physical, mental, emotional, spiritual or economic — life’s vagaries always intrude on the neat little plans you and I may have been making only to show us the vanity of the exclusive pursuit of health, wealth, safety and security. If youth and adulthood are all about acquisition, then midlife and maturity are all about letting go, and that’s a much more difficult lesson to learn. The meaning of your life can never be defined by your career, your relationships, or your accomplishments. Instead, on a spiritual level, the meaning of life comes from the courage you can muster to face your challenges relying not on anything external, but solely on the strength that comes from your connection to a Power greater than yourself to get you through.

The universe provides each of us with a series of life lessons. Regardless of what they may look like on the surface, they all teach only one thing: whatever it is that you choose to rely on that is not God, will be taken away. At midlife, the training wheels come off and the props are knocked away. You are left standing there with only your acceptance of life on life’s terms and your trust in God to support and guide you. If youth is the age for heroics, then midlife is the age for courage, since by now, experience has taught you what it feels like to play hard at the game of life and to lose. The trick is to stay engaged no matter what else happens.

Those who, at midlife, try to reinvent themselves will undoubtedly experience frustration and futility. “No matter where you go,” they say, “there you are.” But those who, instead, work at reinventing their world will experience a life they could only have imagined. The lessons of life are unrelenting. If you choose to avoid failure at all cost, it will surely cost you dear and all to no avail. It’s all so very silly. Learning how to live with spiritual courage is a lot like learning how to fly: it’s so simple! All you really need to do is to throw yourself at failure . . . and miss!

______
*Douglas Adams, The More than Complete Hitchhiker’s Guide, Longmeadow Press, Connecticut, 1991, page 363.

God Is in the Details

Les Brown — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 12:00:18 +0000

Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “The devil’s in the details”? It probably means something like whatever details you overlook in whatever you’re doing will come back to bite you. That saying is actually a corruption of an earlier motto, attributed to Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880): “Le bon Dieu est dans le detail” (“God is in the details”). Evidently, I prefer the earlier form of the idiom. Although everyone’s life experience is replete with examples of the ways in which this saying proves true, the great temptation remains to focus our attention on the big items we see playing out on life’s stage all around us. These critical issues are the ones that grab our focus and demand our attention in our careers, our relationships, and our personal condition. These are the both ‘important’ and ‘urgent’ tasks that inhabit Stephen R. Covey’s “Quadrant One.” What you won’t find in “Quadrant One” are things like success, intimacy, peace, harmony, and, ultimately, happiness.

Do we really need to ask why a preoccupation with the big issues eventually leads to failure and unhappiness in careers, in relationships, and in regard to your personal health and well-being? When it comes to your health, what happens when you wait until things get really bad (a crisis) before looking for treatment? Don’t you then find yourself racing to beat the pathology to the finish line? The closer you allow issues to come to the tipping point (that point at which failure is unavoidable), the more important and urgent the need to engage in corrective action becomes, and the lesser your chances of meeting that challenge successfully. At the same time, the more your resources are dedicated to handling any crisis, the greater the chances will be for other issues to approach their tipping points.

Conserving your energies to handle the big issues does little to address or solve them; in fact, the approach that focuses only (or mainly) on the important things risks creating an error cascade. Let me explain. An error cascade begins with just one overlooked detail. When that detail goes wrong, it becomes an attention grabber (Quadrant One again). While your attention is focused on taking care of that one errant detail, you ignore several other details that are needing your attention. As your attention is drawn away in a rapidly-increasing complex of (relatively) minor failures, your capacity for reacting to the situation erodes until you are unable to stop a catastrophic collapse of the system. The disasters at Three Mile Island and, to an even greater degree, at Chernobyl are graphic cases in point.

As early as the 14th Century, we find the following poem:

For Want of a Nail

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

No, paying attention to what’s ‘most important’ may be ‘common sense,’ but it’s also a recipe for failure. Success comes from recognizing, heart and soul, that “God is in the details.” In fact, take care of the details, and the ‘big issues’ will take care of themselves. The wisdom of this approach has been proven many times over. Taking a detail-oriented approach to your job may provoke ridicule from some co-workers, but it will certainly produce the kinds of quality results that any reasonably healthy management team would find difficult to ignore. Paying close attention to your communication and the needs and wants of your spouse or partner cannot help but improve the depth of intimacy between you. Paying attention to your diet, exercise, rest, reading, recreation, prayer, meditation, and all the other things that go to make up a physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy person will certainly give a significant boost to your quality of life.

At midlife, when all the old paradigms of adulthood seem to be breaking down, you have the perfect opportunity to change the way you ‘do business’ — your ‘standard operating procedure.’ Start with your greatest problem area: career, relationship, or your personal health and well-being. Instead of trying to manage whatever you perceive as your biggest issue, try focusing your attention on the details of the situation. What little things are you ignoring or neglecting? What details are you overlooking? What are three little issues that you could take care of right away? What three things you could do today to address these little issues? Will you commit to accomplishing these three things today?

Don’t forget that creating serious change requires assistance. All of us have mastered the art of self-delusion. Only when you invite someone else to ‘champion’ your plan in with you will you have the support and accountability that you’ll need to be able to change your focus effectively. Remember the Bible story of Elijah:

The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

As life progresses, you’re going to be faced with the equivalent of whirlwind, earthquake and fire, but success, intimacy, health, happiness and your Higher Power will be found in none of them. It’s in the still small voice of those tasks and details that may very well seem most unimportant and most beneath your knowledge, skills and dignity, that your Power will be found. For, after all, Flaubert was right: God is in the details!