What do we mean when we say, “I’m sorry”? ‘Sorry’ is a cognate for ‘sorrow‘: that feeling we suffer when we experience a loss. Genuine sorrow is an expression of pain. When it comes from a recognition that we’ve messed up (as I explained in my previous article http://www.spiritincrisis.net/2010/04/cleaning-up-the-wreckage/), the pain that we’re recognizing derives from an acknowledgment of failure. When we experience this pain, it’s a sense that we’ve let ourselves and others down — that somehow, our behavior has not been up to par. The pain we experience is that of guilt.

I want to reiterate that feelings of guilt are beneficial! In terms of Freud’s pleasure principle (seek pleasure; avoid pain), guilt is a powerful motivator against our natural resistance to change. Sociopaths (men and women who make choices with no regard for any consequences) lack the ability to experience genuine guilt. Guilt is the healthy experience that accompanies recognition of having messed up and that provides the impetus to acknowledge — and to clean up and grow from — our messes. It the “Ouch!” we experience when we say, “I screwed up!”

Oddly enough, though, feelings of guilt and feelings of shame are indistinguishable! Shame, as I’ve mentioned before, is a toxic emotion that derives from a sense, not that “I did wrong,” but that “I am wrong.” Nobody can guilt you, but it is possible for others to shame you. It’s important to be able to recognize the difference. When someone says, “I’m disappointed in you,” or “I expected better from you,” they’re using a healthy experience of guilt and appealing to your sense of self-esteem. They’re actually encouraging you to do better because they know you can. However, when someone says, “Boy, that was a stupid thing to do!” or “You dumbass!” they’re actually putting you down, and trying (usually successfully) to make you feel shame (inadequate or ‘less than’).

How does this play out in the language of apology? The person dragging around the bag of “I’m sorrys” is motivated by shame: feeling unworthy and unwanted, trying to get others to allow them their space by constantly asking for permission to exist there. This actually has nothing to do with cleaning up any wreckage; it’s rather a manipulative ploy that serves as an attempt to shame others into giving you the recognition that you want but that you don’t feel you deserve. It’s similar in intent to the “Excuse me!” that we so often use to get other people to move out of our way. The only way out of the “I’m sorry” trap that people with self-esteem issues get themselves into is to deal directly with the shame that underlies it. Healing means developing an existential conviction that, no matter what bad things you may have done in your life, you are a genuinely good person.

Closely aligned to the shame-based “I’m sorry” statement is the second type of false apology: the “get out of jail free” statement. This approach is nothing but an attempt to avoid the consequences of your actions. Even sociopaths learn that simply saying “I’m sorry” may win them a free pass out of having to pay the bill for their choices. This “get our of jail free” ploy not only tries to escape the consequences of your actions, it also attempts to circumvent any necessity for change or growth. Have you heard the phrase, ‘an empty apology’? That’s an “I’m sorry” without any sense of guilt or responsibility behind it. Unless we’re actually experiencing the pain that comes from a conscious recognition of having messed up, we can’t (and shouldn’t) be expressing an empty sorrow for it.

The third escape from apology is a refusal to offer one at all. In 1970, there appeared a sappy, sentimental, but popular movie called Love Story starring Ali McGraw and Ryan O’Neil. The catch phrase from the movie said, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” and it caused quite a controversy at the time. Many people objected that “Love means having to say you’re sorry over and over again!” And yet, we’ve all encountered people who won’t apologize, no matter how badly they’ve behaved. They either shrug off their behavior, or blame the victim with, “I’m sorry you got upset.” (Politicians these days seem to be particularly adept at this kind of non-apology.) Either way, it’s just another refusal to take external responsibility for internal bad choices. Obviously, this approach does nothing to clean up any messes.

A genuine apology . . . a sincere expression of sorrow . . . is an essential second step after a realistic recognition and appreciation of the damage that we’ve done after having made a bad choice. A sincere apology sounds something like this: “I was wrong when I did that, and I’m so sorry that what I did caused you pain.” In a real apology, there’s not even a hint of self-justification: no “you/he/she/it made me do it;” no “I didn’t do it on purpose;” and no “I didn’t think that would happen.” An apology only has to say, “I did it. I was wrong. I’m sorry I hurt you.”

In my next article, I’m going to look more deeply at the effects of bad behavior and the need for — and the scope and effects of — a sincere apology. When do we need to apologize? Whom do we need to apologize to, and how do we need to do it?

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown