4 monkeys in a room. In the center of the room is a tall pole with a bunch of bananas suspended from the top. One of the four monkeys scampers up the pole and grabs the bananas. Just as he does, he is hit with a torrent of cold water from an overhead shower. He runs like hell back down the pole without the bananas. Eventually, the other three try it with the same outcome. Finally, they just sit and don’t even try again. To hell with the damn bananas. But then, they remove one of the four monkeys and replace him with a new one. The new monkey enters the room, spots the bananas and decides to go for it. Just as he is about to scamper up the pole, the other three reach out and drag him back down. After a while, he gets the message. There is something wrong, bad or evil that happens if you go after those bananas. So, they kept replacing an existing monkey with a new one and each time, none of the new monkeys ever made it to the top. They each got the same message. Don’t climb that pole. None of them knew exactly why they shouldn’t climb the pole, they just knew not to. They all respected the well established precedent. EVEN AFTER THE SHOWER WAS REMOVED!

Was this a scientifically-controlled research project, or a fabricated urban myth-in-the-making? Who knows? That’s as far back as I could trace the story. Even if it’s a fable or parable, I think that we can all relate to the underlying experience: many animals are prone to give up hope in the face of social opposition. That’s the message that researchers wanted to convey when they coined the term ‘learned despair‘: when attitudes around us turn negative, we tend to give up trying to reach our goal without even trying!

The word ‘despair‘ itself tells the story. It comes from the Latin de-sperare, meaning to turn away from, or to give up (de-) hoping (sperare). It’s a cognate of ‘desperation‘. When I’m working with people who might be emotionally allergic to hearing about the so-called theological virtues of ‘faith’, ‘hope’, and ‘love’, I replace those terms with synonyms: ‘acceptance’, ‘trust’, and ‘engagement’. Despair — turning away from or lacking hope — derives from a lack of (or, rather, from a misplaced) trust. We tend to trust what we learn from others’ beliefs (whether or not they’re grounded in facts) rather than trusting in our own experience. We turn our methodical doubt inward on ourselves at least as often we apply it to what we learn from others.

Our lack of trust in ourselves, in our own capabilities, and even in our own experience can prove to be a very serious flaw, particularly at midlife. I can relate it to another theological construct: what is known as the ‘unforgivable sin,’ or the ‘sin against the Holy Spirit.’ What kind of sin could possibly be ‘unforgivable’ in the light of an all-loving God? It’s not so much an action, as it is a belief or a mentality: one that says, “I don’t believe that God would forgive me for ______.” The ‘unforgivable’ sin is such because someone lacks the trust in a loving God that would make forgiveness possible.

Like the ‘unforgivable’ sin, ‘learned despair’ derives its power from a refusal to trust in ourselves and in a Power greater than ourselves Who loves us unconditionally and who enlightens and empowers us. In learned despair, we yield to the temptation to surrender our self-esteem to those who don’t believe in us, rather than to accept (have faith in) a God who does.

How often do those around you influence you not to try do accomplish something that would (or could) move you forward? In what ways are you allowing others’ beliefs about you to erode your trust in yourself (as well as your trust in a Higher Power who cares about you)? In what ways are you permitting others’ opinions of you to keep you stuck in a midlife rut? What do you need to do to recapture your enthusiasm for who you are and where you’re going? What do you need to stop listening to? What old, negative beliefs about yourself do you need to get rid of? What can you do today to overcome just one fear that you have about yourself?

To move forward, all you need is to recapture some of your primal hope. To recapture hope, you need re-learn to trust yourself (and your Higher Power). To learn to trust yourself, first, you need to unlearn despair. You can begin unlearning as soon as you tune out the discouraging voices around you, and start, once again, listening to (and believing in) the wisdom of your own heart.

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

Technorati Tags:
learned despair, hope, trust, faith, acceptance, unforgivable sin, self-esteem
Add to: | Technorati | Digg | del.icio.us | Yahoo | BlinkList | Spurl | reddit | Furl |

Must couples in trouble necessarily fail? No, not necessarily: no healthy couple is doomed to failure. In fact, the only ‘doomed’ relationships are those where one or both partners are unapologetically physically or emotionally abusive . Without a doubt, the only realistic option for someone who finds her- or himself in a fundamentally abusive or exploitative relationship is to exit immediately. Apart from that, I believe that many (if not all) relationships “on the rocks” could be healed under the right circumstances. From my perspective, the fact that this healing so often fails to take place could be an indication that one or both of the partners have stopped listening. Additionally, ceasing to listen indicates a spiritual problem. Let me explain.

It would seem that the  person who hears another’s voice, but is no longer committed to listening to what the other has to say has given up on her or his partner, as well as their relationship together. If you look more closely, however, it soon becomes clear that the person has actually given up on him- or herself. Empathetic listening and appreciative inquiry represent a three-fold choice: 1) to accept the other, 2) to trust the other, and 3) to engage with the other. Closing off the lines of communication also represents a choice: to cease accepting, trusting and engaging with one’s partner. Before I relate this to fundamental spiritual principles, let’s look briefly at each choice.

The choice to accept another human being is foundational. True acceptance represents a fundamental option to see in the other person another self, with exactly the same sorts of strengths and weaknesses that we ourselves possess. This choice to acknowledge the other person as another self  has two destructive opposites. The first perversion of acceptance we call ‘exploitation‘. Philosopher Martin Buber contrasts these approaches with the terms I-Thou (for true acceptance of the other), and I-It (for exploitation). To see your partner merely in terms of his or her usefulness (like a tool or a piece of furniture) or her or his capacity to satisfy you represents a fundamental denial of humanity on your part. The second perversion of the choice to accept your partner shows itself as conditional acceptance. In brief, “I’ll accept you if you do such-and-such or so-and-so.” Conditional acceptance of another puts you in the position of being their judge, jury and executioner. In fact, it represents nothing less than your attempt to usurp the position in your partner’s life properly held by God alone.

Next, let’s look at the choice not to trust your partner. Why don’t you trust her or him? Because you’ve been hurt before? The refusal to trust your partner goes way beyond self-preservation. Once again, it is passing a judgment of condemnation on another person — another self — who exhibits the same sorts of faults and failings that you yourself exhibit. In fact, if the truth were known, the faults and failings that you find most easy to condemn and most difficult to forgive in others are the very ones that you exhibit most strongly yourself. In fact, the two keys that are absolutely essential to unlocking both acceptance and trust are these: first, to acknowledge an identical humanity in both yourself and the other, and, second, to commit yourself to the path of unconditional forgiveness. Who cannot look at the plight of even the most desperate of people around us and not be able truthfully to say, “There, but for the grace of God, go I?” The greatest message of Christianity — and also, I’m afraid,  its most forgotten and neglected — is simply this: unconditional, unlimited forgiveness. If you cannot forgive unconditionally, you cannot trust for very long.

The final choice is the choice to engage with your partner. If you refuse to engage with her or him, you thereby give credence to the (Jungian) ego’s false belief that you are vulnerable and need protection. It’s the same force that drives people’s frantic searching for that illusive (and illusory) ‘security’ that they believe will fix everything and protect them from danger. Once again, it would be foolish to put ourselves in harm’s way by engaging with an abusive partner. We owe it to ourselves and to them to take the necessary precautions so as not to allow ourselves to become victims of deliberate abuse. However, if you imagine that refusing to engage with your well-intentioned partner will grant you some sort of immunity from harm and from hurt, you are mistaken. Do you believe that spiritually you are invulnerable and that nothing outside of yourself — not even death — can destroy the essence of you? “Greater love has no one,” we have heard, “than to lay down his life for another.” Oddly, dieing for someone can actually be a whole lot easier than living for them.

Finally, what does the choice not to listen say about that person’s spiritual condition? The testimony it gives is nothing short of damning. Personally, I would liken it to what Christians refer to as the ‘sin against the Holy Spirit’ or the ‘unforgivable sin.’ Here’s what I mean. Whenever I write, I use the terms ‘acceptance,’  ‘trust’ and ‘engagement’ as  synonyms for what are called the ‘theological virtues’, namely: faith, hope , and love. The ‘sin’ against faith is the decision not to accept the will of God exactly as we encounter it in our world. The ‘sin’ against hope is the choice not to trust that our only Source of genuine security is divine providence. The ‘sin’ against love is the refusal to become meaningfully engaged with those we were sent to serve: our fellow creatures who, along with us, share the “image and likeness of God.” If the ‘sin against the Holy Spirit’ is a refusal to believe that the love of God is powerful enough to forgive us (and so we refuse to ask for forgiveness, and therefore refuse to accept it), then turning a deaf ear to someone we once claimed to love is a ‘sin against love’, for, as we know, the opposite of love is not hate, but deliberate indifference.

What can you do if you find yourself failing to listen? Remember the futility of protecting yourself. What can you protect yourself from? Even more importantly, what are you protecting yourself for? After all, your mission here in this world is not to try (futilely) to keep yourself safe. It’s to share with your fellows (and especially those in relationship with you) the same kind of acceptance, trust, and engagement that your God has shown to you. God hears his people’s cry . . . can you do any less?

And what about you who find yourself ‘learning to love one another’ and your words keep falling on deaf ears? You, too, have the opportunity to pass on the love of God. Your acceptance of the other can be renewed continually. Your trust of the other need never fail or fade. You may stand ever at the ready to engage. However, engagement (love) requires reciprocity. God does not condemn, so how could you? God does not constrain, either (because love can never be forced), but rather waits for all eternity for the other to emerge from his or her isolation and re-engage. You can have the willingness to re-engage, whether or not the other ever seeks it. You may never re-engage as you once did: time and the world goes on while the other chooses to isolate, stagnate, or (what’s worse) repeat the same self-defeating choices and behaviors with other partners. You, on the other hand, have the opportunity to accept and trust and engage with people at every stage and every condition of your life: people who, like you, have chosen to listen not only with their ears, but with their hearts.

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

Technorati Tags:
acceptance, anger, avoidance, blame, challenge, challenges, change, choice, communication, courage, crisis, death, denial, direction, emotions, engagement, faith, fear, future, grief, hope, humility, integrity, intention, isolation, love, mastery, maturity, meaning, midlife, midlife mastery, purpose, relationship, responsibility, spirituality, transition, trust, values, victim
Add to: | Technorati | Digg | del.icio.us | Yahoo | BlinkList | Spurl | reddit | Furl |