What do you do? If you're like many people, you begin watching your diet and getting involved in an exercise regimen, because you want to hang on to the appearance of youth for as long as possible. Doesn't that sound terrifically healthy? On the surface, that seems to be not only the obvious, but also the best choice, when, in fact, that could be the start of a downward spiral that very often ends up not only damaging your health and robbing you of your sense of well-being, but could also destroy your career and tear apart your family. Am I exaggerating? Not in the least! Nobody sets out to ruin his or her life; that outcome only results from a steady stream of small, seemingly insignificant poor choices that eventually lead to a bad end. We call this an error cascade: when a series of small, almost unnoticeable missteps conclude in catastrophic results. For the person entering the midlife transition, it most often begins with the mistaken belief that he or she is 'going downhill' and that somehow the process is reversible. How this one seemingly innocuous idea can lead to heartbreak represents the rest of this story, and 'getting' the moral of this story all depends on understanding the nature of addictive behavior.

Let's start with an example from recent news: specifically a study by three Tufts University psychologists (Robin B. Kanarek, Kristen E. D’Anci, Nicole Jurdak, and Wendy Foulds Mathes) published in the August, 2009 edition of the journal, Behavioral Neuroscience. What they discovered was that the famous 'runner's high' that people who exercise strenuously may experience is caused by "exercise-induced increases in endogenous opioid peptides [that] act in a manner similar to chronic administration of opiate drugs." In other words, strenuous exercise creates a neurological state that mirrors the addictive use of opiates. "Exercise, like drugs of abuse, leads to the release of
neurotransmitters such as endorphins and dopamine, which are involved
with a sense of reward," Kanarek said. Furthermore, according to a report by National Geographic News, "This brought on 'anorexia athletica' in the food-restricted running rats: They dramatically increased their running and started losing weight. In humans, anorexia athletica can be a fatal mental disorder that makes its sufferers compulsively exercise to lose weight."

Although the authors certainly recognize the phenomenon of the "sense of reward" involved in the opiate experience, I believe that they're missing the key factor that makes addictive behavior so nefarious: addiction depends less upon the promise of a "sense of reward" than it does on a fear of not experiencing that feeling. Read that sentence again, because it's very important. Addictive behavior is based less on the pursuit of pleasure than it is on the fear and avoidance of (perceived) pain. People who have become addicted to a behavior will pursue that behavior even through excruciating pain simply to avoid what they fear they'll experience otherwise. Therefore, addiction is all about fear, avoidance, denial and escape — usually from a person's own feelings and emotions.

What exactly are these 'addictive behaviors' I've been talking about? When most of us hear the word 'addiction,' we tend to think of the use of illegal substances, the abuse of alcohol or prescription medications, or perhaps compulsive gambling. We seldom think of work, sex, shopping, eating, TV or browsing the internet in the same vein. The truth is that any behavior can be addictive. It's not so much what we do as why we do it that turns common everyday tasks into behaviors that threaten our health, well-being, careers, relationships, and, ultimately, our very existence. When we insist on escaping the discomfort of leaving the security and comfort of the environment we know to embrace the insecurity and discomfort of facing the unknown, we're inviting addiction.

When we fear that our stress will become unbearable (whether that stress comes from forces outside of ourselves, or is self-generated), addictive behavior always presents itself as an attractive stress reliever. Two of the consequences of adopting addictive behavior for stress relief are 1) addictive behavior provides only temporary relief: eventually the pain of the addiction becomes worse than the pain that was being avoided; and 2) addiction stunts mental, emotional, and spiritual growth, leaving people less capable of dealing with the underlying issues (which continue to worsen during the course of the addiction).

If you're in or approaching midlife (or you're unsure but have started addressing issues related to aging), you need to ask yourself this question: "What am I doing to numb my feelings?" That's an excellent indicator of the presence of addictive behavior(s). Another equally good question is this one: "What activity in my life would drive me to distraction if I weren't allowed to do it anymore today?" Remember: whether the activity is 'innocent' or 'harmless' or not is totally irrelevant. What matters is that you're using that activity to avoid looking at some nagging issue in your life, to stuff your feelings, and/or to support or foster an unhealthy dependency.

Let's look at just three of the ways that midlife addiction can bring about heartbreak. When sex and/or relationships are used to avoid feelings, the most obvious collateral damage will be to your primary and family relationships. Rather than have to face and manage the difficult conversations and negotiations that arise in any close relationship, it's so much easier to find 'relief' in sex, porn, and spending time with people who 'understand' you better than your spouse and family members do. When you do that, you relegate those relationships to a secondary, subordinate position in your life: relationships that you'll get around to 'someday' (if ever). When your primary relationships suffer, every other relationship in your life becomes distorted: all your work relationships, as well as your relationship with yourself and your Higher Power. You lack the energy and the time to deal with the issues that are confronting you here and now, because you've allowed yourself to get caught up in a more comfortable distraction. You've become addicted.

Another common midlife situation occurs when your career takes center stage in your life to the exclusion of your primary and family relationships and your own health and well-being. "What I've sacrificed for my career" should not be seen as a badge of honor, rather a sign of an inability or unwillingness to take the necessary steps to bring balance and harmony into your life. Creating balance and harmony requires a willingness to wrestle honestly and openly with your values and your ambitions and impose a priority on your choice of how you spend your time. Keep in mind that there's always a 'road not taken,' always something that must be left behind. It's always easier to allow addictive behavior to keep you from making responsible — and often painful but necessary — decisions. Very often being a 'slave' to your job really means simply an unwillingness to take responsibility for your choices and, ultimately, the direction of your life.

The third and final example relates to those 'luxuries' that you 'owe' yourself because of all the 'hardship' that you're 'forced' to endure in your life. I've put so many words ('luxuries', 'owe', 'hardship', and 'forced') in quotes because each and every one represents an excuse that you make to yourself for getting your own way and avoiding taking responsibility for your decisions. Have you ever heard yourself saying, "You'd [insert addictive behavior here], too, if you had my life"? Using this approach, you can justify almost any kind of unjustifiable behavior imaginable. Using this logic, other people or situations are causing — really forcing — you to do things against your will. But it's hardly surprising to realize that those things you're being 'forced' to do are precisely the things that you'd do anyway if you were given free reign without any burden of responsibility. This approach is equally effective in eventually destroying your health, well-being, relationships and career because, after all, none of it is your 'fault'. In essence, "the devil made you do it!"

Midlife presents the perfect conditions for spawning addictive behaviors, because it's at midlife when the emotional 'training wheels' have to come off, and, for perhaps the first time in your life you're being forced to look seriously in the mirror at the unvarnished you. You have to come to terms with your own values and principles. You experience the need to challenge your assumptions and 'obligations'. It's at midlife when you really have to come up with an answer to the question, "Who am I and what do I really want?" For many people . . . OK for most people . . . these are terrifying questions. People, especially men, will very often do almost anything (particularly adopting addictive behaviors) to escape having to face and answer these questions, because, fundamentally, they're spiritual questions.

Addiction, particularly at midlife, is most certainly a disease, and it's a spiritual disease, at that. As such, it requires a spiritual treatment. That's why 12-Step programs (like Alcoholics Anonymous) offer such effective treatment for addictive behavior: they suggest that people give up trying to remake the world according to their own standards, get in touch with a High Power of their own understanding, clean house by addressing the wreckage caused by past behaviors, and, finally, learn to live their lives according to spiritual principles and values. Those are the very steps that every individual must necessarily take to navigate a successful midlife transition. They're also the very steps that can break the bonds of midlife addiction as well as salve the heartbreak it causes, and lead people to maturity and, ultimately, to midlife mastery.

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC

Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown

What’s happening to him? He’s become more sullen and withdrawn. Little things get on his nerves and he seems to enjoy taking it out on you. You want to be understanding and supportive (you know in your heart how much he needs it), yet, the harder you try to figure out what it is he needs, the more angry and combative he becomes. God forbid that you should ask him what’s going on: not only will he not tell you, it’ll only increase his angry reactions. The more you want him close to you, the more you try to bridge that chasm that you feel widening between you, the more forcefully he pushes you away. He’s into his own things: TV, sports, work, projects, hobbies, anything (so it seems) that’ll take him away from you and your home. He’s so often angry with your, and yet he won’t tell you what’s wrong. You wrack your brains trying to figure out what you’re doing wrong.

It doesn’t matter how long or how hard you wrack your brains to find the answer to this dilemma. The answer is that the man in your life is going through the midlife transition, just like you are. The sad truth about this transformation process comes down to this: you’re aware of what’s going on; he isn’t. You know that women your age undergo certain changes and experiences that you’ve come to expect or to learn about as you’ve shared experiences with your close friends. He, sad to say, hasn’t a clue what’s going on. In fact, chances are excellent that he thinks he’s the only guy in the world going through what he’s feeling. He’s probably convinced that you don’t understand what he’s going though — that’s a good bet, since he doesn’t understand it himself — and therefore, somehow, it must be your fault (it isn’t). Most likely, he thinks that his whole life has been a mistake: marrying you, choosing a career, his accomplishments, his failures . . . all of it. He probably thinks that, if he had made other choices, things would be very different (they wouldn’t). Without a doubt, his life right now tastes like sawdust and ashes in his mouth. He feels as though he’s sacrificed too much for too little. Now, he wants to shake it all off and make up for lost time (he can’t).

One of the main things your husband doesn’t get right now can be expressed in that great truism: ‘Wherever you go, there you are.’ What he very likely wants to do most right now is either to run away (‘act out’) or hide (‘act in’). Which one he ultimately chooses depends on his personality type: is he an extrovert (‘act out’) or an introvert (‘act in’)? Will he run away into activities away from home (‘act out’), or will he escape into TV, booze, drugs, the internet, work, or some other all-consuming passion (‘act in’)? Whether you’re left chasing after him to try to get him back home to you, or you’re doing your best to shake him out of his lethargic shell, either way, you’re the one who’ll feel left out in the cold. In addition, once you start trying to influence his behavior, you’ll quickly discover that you’re being blamed for the situation. If these things have been going on for a while, you’ll already know that the more you try to reconnect with him, the more forcefully you’ll be pushed aside.

What is happening to your husband, and what (if anything) can you do about it? First things first. What’s happening to your husband is the midlife transition, including the decrease in male hormones called andropause. He’s experiencing physical changes that nobody’s told him about, and that he probably doesn’t believe even exist. His irritability levels are increasing while his libido is dropping. He’s beginning to believe that everybody’s out to get him (he believes that he hasn’t changed, that the way he’s feeling is all other people’s fault). Since he believes that he’s not responsible for what’s ‘happening to’ him, he’s falling into a pattern of reaction and aggression that’s meant to protect him from all these opponents who suddenly seem to have turned on him (that’s you, by the way). The closer you try to come to him, the more pressured and attacked he feels. He thinks you just want to lock him into this life in which he’s starting to feel trapped. He’s very apt to react like a cornered animal.

How can you help him and save your relationship at the same time? First, and most important, realize that, when he’s attacking you, it’s not really you he’s attacking. He’s lashing out at feelings he doesn’t understand. This is an opportunity to practice the Japanese art of akido: absorbing his aggressive energy without resisting or fighting back. Allowing his aggression to dissipate will at least prevent his anger from escalating against you. Secondly (and this will be definitely counter-intuitive), back away from him. Allow him the space to do the crazy things that he might get involved in. If he needs to ‘act out’ or ‘act in’, don’t pursue him, but don’t turn your back on him, either. He’s playing the double-bind game, ‘I love you: go away.’ Let him play. Don’t try to ‘help’ him. Finally, there may be times when he misses you and wants to reconnect. Be there for him (you’re his only true intimate connection — without you, he’ll have no one to talk to at all) without judgment and learn to listen actively with your heart. Perhaps he’ll realize that his recent decisions haven’t been the best. If he admits confusion, be ready with some options for him. The more knowledgeable you are about andropause and the male midlife transition, the more options you’ll have.

The good news is that the male midlife transition is only a phase; the bad news is that far too many men don’t make it through that transition without a crisis that may damage their marriage and/or their career and/or their health. You have a number of advantages that your guy doesn’t have: a) you’re aware of what’s going on in your body and your emotions — he isn’t; b) you have a network of friends that you’re accustomed to talking about these things with — he doesn’t; and c) you know that if you’re having a tough time with all of this, there are people and places you can connect with to get help — he believes that’s not something he can do as a real man. That makes you his strongest lifeline, so long as you have the courage to stick with him while he’s doing his best to blame you and to push you away. In this case, knowledge really is power, and forewarned is truly forearmed.

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC

Copyright © 2008 H. Les Brown

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