“Why are you doing this to me” emerges as the heart-rending cry of a woman or man who’s just had the stilts knocked out from under him or her and it’s the lament of the person suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of injustice. We have heard this lament (or similar cries) for as long as we humans have been encountering adversity. Here’s a passage from the prophet Isaiah (6:11-12):

Then I said, “Lord, how long?” And He answered,
“Until cities are devastated and without inhabitant,
Houses are without people
And the land is utterly desolate,
The LORD has removed men far away,
And the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land.”

We might consider this age-old lament — first thought and then spoken — to be the “opening theme,” so to speak, for the entrance into the midlife transition. “Why are you doing this to me?” is the sound an adult makes when her or his world has been upended. To understand this, we need to remember the characteristics of adulthood. Once we have become an adult, we assume our independence and personal authority. Not only are we emancipated from parental controls, we also emerge from parental protection. The burden of providing for our own security is transferred onto our own shoulders and, to a great extent, we are judged (and we judge ourselves) on how successfully we’re able to provide for ourselves (and, eventually, for our families).

Adulthood provides us with some preliminary answers to life’s greatest questions: Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I capable? Am I lovable? Am I respectable? Am I honorable? Am I the woman or man whom my parents, my spouse, my children, my community can be proud of? Do I measure up to expectations? Adulthood defines success as receiving a resounding “Yes!” to all of these questions. For the adult, even kindness and generosity will be motivated and judged by what we imagine others are expecting of us, which, unsurprisingly, is most often identical to what we are expecting of ourselves. This is how the adult defines self-esteem, and this is precisely why, when one of those ‘but bombs’ hits an adult, it can be so devastating. “Why are you doing this to me?” means, in effect, “Why are you deliberately sabotaging everything that I’ve been trying to accomplish?”

Welcome to the midlife transition! Here’s your opportunity to leave the misconceptions of adulthood behind, and to step out into the clear light of maturity. All of the misconceptions of adulthood — that your value as a person is based on how well you perform and how effective you are at achieving a reasonable level of security — are based on one fundamentally flawed concept: that it’s all about you. How successful you are at making the midlife transition depends almost entirely on how effective you are at ridding yourself of that one erroneous concept. No, it’s not all about you, and it never was. ‘Success’ can never be achieved through living up to anyone’s expectations . . . even God’s!*

So long as we’re stuck in the ‘me-centered’ universe of adulthood, challenges and adversity will continue to appear to us to be focused on us (because that’s where our unconscious focus lies, and that’s the perspective from which we view everything that happens around us). As I mentioned before, “Why are you doing this to me?” is the cry of the ‘innocent victim.’ You may, possibly, be ‘innocent’ (although in the majority of cases, you have very probably been guilty at least of neglect and/or misprioritization), but you are not a victim. Keep this in mind: nobody can make you a victim without your permission. Victimhood represents the childish ‘it’s all about me’ attitude taken to its logical conclusion: I’m the cause of everything that happens.

What if you’re not all that important? What if it’s not “all about you”? What if the challenges that you’re facing in life (including all the ‘but bombs’) are simply examples of the collateral damage that occurs naturally as the universe struggles to sort itself out in its evolution? There’s the paradigm shift — the evolution in perspective — that differentiates mere ‘adults’ from those who are spiritually mature: stuff happens. Very often you may become implicated in that stuff that happens, and you have to deal with it, even though it’s not about you. The longer you live, the more stuff you’ll encounter: you’re going to lose every job you hold; every relationship that you value is going to break up; your health will be compromised; you will die. Nobody — God included — is ‘doing this stuff to you.’ It’s just life, and, with birth, you’ve bought your ticket and you’re on the ride.

Once you’ve attained this shift in perspective that so characterizes the midlife transformation, your whole approach to life and love will change. You will no longer be so preoccupied with your acquisitions and your accomplishments, and you will increasingly dedicate yourself to discovering and carrying out with integrity the purpose for which you’ve been given this amazing gift of life. Happily, the mature woman or man realizes that his or her life’s ‘purpose’ is always evolving, always ‘in process’ and, therefore, always in constant need of rediscovery, reinterpretation and redefinition. Regardless of the challenges you may face, you can receive each one as it really is: just another opportunity to grow, to evolve, and to deepen your connection with and reliance on the Ground of your being, that Power greater than yourself, the One who sent you here.

God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help
of Thy power, Thy love and Thy way of life.
May I do Thy will always.
Amen.

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

______
“God’s expectations” of us refers, of course, to our understanding of those expectations. God’s real expectations of us only reveal themselves gradually over time. Much of what we think are God’s expectations are merely our assumptions based on what we’ve been taught or projections of our expectations of ourselves.

Must couples in trouble necessarily fail? No, not necessarily: no healthy couple is doomed to failure. In fact, the only ‘doomed’ relationships are those where one or both partners are unapologetically physically or emotionally abusive . Without a doubt, the only realistic option for someone who finds her- or himself in a fundamentally abusive or exploitative relationship is to exit immediately. Apart from that, I believe that many (if not all) relationships “on the rocks” could be healed under the right circumstances. From my perspective, the fact that this healing so often fails to take place could be an indication that one or both of the partners have stopped listening. Additionally, ceasing to listen indicates a spiritual problem. Let me explain.

It would seem that the  person who hears another’s voice, but is no longer committed to listening to what the other has to say has given up on her or his partner, as well as their relationship together. If you look more closely, however, it soon becomes clear that the person has actually given up on him- or herself. Empathetic listening and appreciative inquiry represent a three-fold choice: 1) to accept the other, 2) to trust the other, and 3) to engage with the other. Closing off the lines of communication also represents a choice: to cease accepting, trusting and engaging with one’s partner. Before I relate this to fundamental spiritual principles, let’s look briefly at each choice.

The choice to accept another human being is foundational. True acceptance represents a fundamental option to see in the other person another self, with exactly the same sorts of strengths and weaknesses that we ourselves possess. This choice to acknowledge the other person as another self  has two destructive opposites. The first perversion of acceptance we call ‘exploitation‘. Philosopher Martin Buber contrasts these approaches with the terms I-Thou (for true acceptance of the other), and I-It (for exploitation). To see your partner merely in terms of his or her usefulness (like a tool or a piece of furniture) or her or his capacity to satisfy you represents a fundamental denial of humanity on your part. The second perversion of the choice to accept your partner shows itself as conditional acceptance. In brief, “I’ll accept you if you do such-and-such or so-and-so.” Conditional acceptance of another puts you in the position of being their judge, jury and executioner. In fact, it represents nothing less than your attempt to usurp the position in your partner’s life properly held by God alone.

Next, let’s look at the choice not to trust your partner. Why don’t you trust her or him? Because you’ve been hurt before? The refusal to trust your partner goes way beyond self-preservation. Once again, it is passing a judgment of condemnation on another person — another self — who exhibits the same sorts of faults and failings that you yourself exhibit. In fact, if the truth were known, the faults and failings that you find most easy to condemn and most difficult to forgive in others are the very ones that you exhibit most strongly yourself. In fact, the two keys that are absolutely essential to unlocking both acceptance and trust are these: first, to acknowledge an identical humanity in both yourself and the other, and, second, to commit yourself to the path of unconditional forgiveness. Who cannot look at the plight of even the most desperate of people around us and not be able truthfully to say, “There, but for the grace of God, go I?” The greatest message of Christianity — and also, I’m afraid,  its most forgotten and neglected — is simply this: unconditional, unlimited forgiveness. If you cannot forgive unconditionally, you cannot trust for very long.

The final choice is the choice to engage with your partner. If you refuse to engage with her or him, you thereby give credence to the (Jungian) ego’s false belief that you are vulnerable and need protection. It’s the same force that drives people’s frantic searching for that illusive (and illusory) ‘security’ that they believe will fix everything and protect them from danger. Once again, it would be foolish to put ourselves in harm’s way by engaging with an abusive partner. We owe it to ourselves and to them to take the necessary precautions so as not to allow ourselves to become victims of deliberate abuse. However, if you imagine that refusing to engage with your well-intentioned partner will grant you some sort of immunity from harm and from hurt, you are mistaken. Do you believe that spiritually you are invulnerable and that nothing outside of yourself — not even death — can destroy the essence of you? “Greater love has no one,” we have heard, “than to lay down his life for another.” Oddly, dieing for someone can actually be a whole lot easier than living for them.

Finally, what does the choice not to listen say about that person’s spiritual condition? The testimony it gives is nothing short of damning. Personally, I would liken it to what Christians refer to as the ‘sin against the Holy Spirit’ or the ‘unforgivable sin.’ Here’s what I mean. Whenever I write, I use the terms ‘acceptance,’  ‘trust’ and ‘engagement’ as  synonyms for what are called the ‘theological virtues’, namely: faith, hope , and love. The ‘sin’ against faith is the decision not to accept the will of God exactly as we encounter it in our world. The ‘sin’ against hope is the choice not to trust that our only Source of genuine security is divine providence. The ‘sin’ against love is the refusal to become meaningfully engaged with those we were sent to serve: our fellow creatures who, along with us, share the “image and likeness of God.” If the ‘sin against the Holy Spirit’ is a refusal to believe that the love of God is powerful enough to forgive us (and so we refuse to ask for forgiveness, and therefore refuse to accept it), then turning a deaf ear to someone we once claimed to love is a ‘sin against love’, for, as we know, the opposite of love is not hate, but deliberate indifference.

What can you do if you find yourself failing to listen? Remember the futility of protecting yourself. What can you protect yourself from? Even more importantly, what are you protecting yourself for? After all, your mission here in this world is not to try (futilely) to keep yourself safe. It’s to share with your fellows (and especially those in relationship with you) the same kind of acceptance, trust, and engagement that your God has shown to you. God hears his people’s cry . . . can you do any less?

And what about you who find yourself ‘learning to love one another’ and your words keep falling on deaf ears? You, too, have the opportunity to pass on the love of God. Your acceptance of the other can be renewed continually. Your trust of the other need never fail or fade. You may stand ever at the ready to engage. However, engagement (love) requires reciprocity. God does not condemn, so how could you? God does not constrain, either (because love can never be forced), but rather waits for all eternity for the other to emerge from his or her isolation and re-engage. You can have the willingness to re-engage, whether or not the other ever seeks it. You may never re-engage as you once did: time and the world goes on while the other chooses to isolate, stagnate, or (what’s worse) repeat the same self-defeating choices and behaviors with other partners. You, on the other hand, have the opportunity to accept and trust and engage with people at every stage and every condition of your life: people who, like you, have chosen to listen not only with their ears, but with their hearts.

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

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Here . . . I'll start your favorite excuse for you: "I'm really sorry, but I just can't! I'm too [fill in the blank]." And here are some words that you can use to fill that blank: "tired," "busy," "out of shape," "out of practice", and the favorite of all, "old for that sort of thing." You can always top it off with, "Besides, my [fill in the blank] hurts." The dirty little secret that we all pretend that nobody knows about comes down to this: transitioning through middle age brings with it all kinds of convenient excuses for not doing whatever it is that we'd rather not do. In every instance (short of actual physical disability), we could — and should — replace the word "can't" with the more honest word: "won't."

Sadly, our midlife excuses all too often do become self-fulfilling prophesies. There comes a time where our sheer laziness and unwillingness to exert ourselves takes a permanent toll. Our career fails to prosper because we've fostered the belief (in ourselves and others) that we're no longer up to making the grade. Our relationships become cold and distant because we're no longer willing to make the personal sacrifices necessary to take care of one another and do whatever is necessary to make others feel important and valued. Finally, our health and well-being suffers because we've not only talked ourselves out of growing physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, but also out of even performing the minimum work to maintain our status quo. Yet, all indications from available data show that much of this sad situation is avoidable with some determination and good old hard work.

Yet, nothing is possible so long as you're intent on living in excuses. It's so much easier to say "I can't do [fill in the blank]" and blame your refusal on factors beyond your control (like growing older) than to be honest and admit that you're too lazy or scared to do the hard work necessary to keep up. In my experience, midlife is that time of life — especially for men — when people give themselves permission to cop out (as if everyone else can't see through our lame excuses, because we're all using the same ones)! Like all the other untruths we tell others in the course of a lifetime, these, too, serve only to fool ourselves. We look around us at people who are older than we are and achieving things that we only dream of, and curse our bad luck (while knowing in our heart of hearts that we're unwilling to do the work necessary to achieve similar things. To have the life we say we want at midlife requires not so much a change of luck as a change of mind and heart.

Rare indeed is the man who has the courage to face the midlife transition head-on without flinching. These are the guys who frequent the gym, who watch what they eat, who are constantly reading, constantly learning, taking on new tasks, going for new experiences, challenging themselves and their partners, experiencing set-backs without complaint, engaging in spirited discussion, networking actively with others, dedicating themselves to causes and volunteering for charity, and so on and so on. What's the difference between them and most guys? They have the courage to live life to the full and most guys . . . well . . . just don't.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: midlife mastery isn't magic. It entails simply changing your mind so that the challenges that you face no longer appear to you as obstacles (which, to my mind, represents the victim mentality) and now appear as what they really are: opportunities. Here's just one example. Some years ago, I read a pamphlet on human growth hormone (HGH). As we age, our HGH levels naturally decline. One of the serious side effects of this hormonal change is a decreased capacity to build lean muscle mass. In effect, as HGH levels decrease, the amount of work that it takes to build and maintain muscle mass increases. As a result, staying fit takes more effort as the years go by. Subconsciously, I took that as a great excuse not to work out as hard as I once did: after all, with declining efficiency, nobody could reasonably expect me to work that hard could they? Now, this week, as I interviewed my guest, midlife fitness expert Lani Muelrath on my radio program, I learned that exercise can restore HGH levels! There went my excuse!

My advice to everyone reading this who may at some time have thought that he (or she) was "over the hill" and not up to doing what you "used to do" is the same advice that Lady Macbeth is reported to have given to her husband: "Screw your courage to the sticking place!" What is required to win an uphill battle is only more fortitude and determination. Rather than join those who would need to replace your "I can't" with "I won't", you can instead replace it with "I will" (and then do it).

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC

Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown

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Our futile attempts at creating a reasonably secure world for ourselves often enough run smack-dab into the challenges of the real world and, particularly, the challenges of the midlife transition. Like the amusement park game, Whack-a-Mole, just when you successfully clobber one problem, another one pops up out on the periphery. "Is there," you might ask, "a strategy that I can use to handle this constant barrage of difficulties that keep me stressed out by threatening everything that I've worked so long and hard to build?" What can I do to bring my life back into focus?

Yes, there are strategies that you can adopt to manage life's frequent unpleasant surprises. Like most life strategies that empower you to handle the issues that midlife throws at you, almost all of these strategies involve simply changing your mind to see the reality that life presents you in a different light. Here are a number of strategies that you can use effectively when 'it's always something' comes upon you.

The only constant is change. This means that, as the old saying goes, "Into each life some rain must fall." Nobody — in fact nothing — in the universe is immune from difficulties. As I've said very often, trying to build a secure future is a foolish quest. 'Security' is simply not a part of the universe as it presents itself to us. There is no where you can go, nothing you can do to find a 'stasis' where trouble won't find you. It exists in you down to the marrow of your bones and beyond . . . even to the structure of your reality itself. There's no escaping it. This means that much of living a successful life must revolve around the two poles of assessing and mitigating risk, and contingency planning (for those times when risk becomes overwhelming).

This, too, shall pass. Since the only constant is change, then both feast and famine are transitory. When difficulties come (and, at random intervals, they seem to come in clusters), we can fight our natural inclinations to believe that things will always be this way by reminding ourselves that, regardless of how bad it may seem, this, too, shall pass. So long as we live, each of us will experience the alleviation of our suffering and our emergence from whatever disaster or tragedy we may be facing. Truly, where there's life, there's hope.

What did I do to deserve this? The answer, my friend, is, most likely: nothing! Certainly, virtue (living a life in alignment with genuine values) goes a long way toward avoiding unnecessary pain and vice often leads to predictably bad consequences. However, living an authentic life is no guarantee of a life free from trouble (as I mentioned, no such thing exists), nor is living an inauthentic life a guarantee of hardship. When looking at the challenges you're facing right now, you can answer the complaint of the victim within you who cries, "Why me?" with the true answer: "Why not you?" What makes you so special as to be spared the challenges that the rest of the world faces? And, when you're tempted to look around you and compare yourself with others who seem to have it easier than you, remember that old saying about walking a mile in his or her shoes.

Pain is required, suffering is optional. Difficulties come into every life. Whatever the source, no one is immune from experiencing pain: we have no choice in the matter. Our choice comes into play when we must decide how we're going to respond to the pain. When we choose to play the victim (crying, "Why me?", looking to lay blame, comparing ourselves with others, building resentments, etc.), we effectively ratchet up our own suffering. Pain, as I've often said, is just the universe trying to get our attention. When we decide to allow ourselves to descend into suffering, we not only magnify the hurt by prolonging it over time, we also render the experience impotent to produce the lesson and the strengthening experience that it was meant to deliver. More than anything else in life, choosing blame and resentment will turn growing pains into meaningless, useless suffering.

A successful life is built on progress, not perfection. On one hand, the universe is structured so that life's lessons keep coming: growth is a direction not a goal. 'Who you are' will only be known completely when your life is over: until then, you can only be known as the person who you are becoming. The direction in which our lives take us is determined by a combination of the potential that we were born and raised with (our nature and nurture), and the choices we've made along the way. The greatest lessons we learn are often those that result from our worst choices and, because growth happens in a determined direction, when we foul up, the opportunities to learn our lessons keep coming back again and again until we 'get' them. When we want to say, "Why does this keep happening to me?" we have to ask, "Why indeed?" What's the lesson you're not getting? And, on the other hand, it's important to realize that you're not an unbiased judge: you're most often the last person to recognize your progress. Unless you're avoiding life's lessons, each time they come around they have the potential to teach you more, and to deepen the core of your moral strength.

Here's a practical approach to life's difficulties. Take one challenge that you're facing in your life right now. Identify exactly what change is happening (that perhaps you're resisting). Which of your three great concerns are being affected: your career? your relationships? your health and well-being? Pain often comes from loss, or the fear of loss. What do you risk losing? Change also brings with it new possibilities and opportunities. What opportunities for growth are you facing? When the change is done, what's your best case scenario? Are the possible benefits worth the risk (the cost)? What can you do to cooperate with the challenge to ensure the optimal results of the change (whether it's come voluntarily or not)? What do you need to do to rid yourself of blame, fault-finding, and resentment over this situation? If you believe that you've been victimized, what choices did you make that contributed to the situation? Whom do you have on your 'success team' who's willing to tell you the truth about where you are and where you're headed?

As they say, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!" It isn't about where the lemons came from, it's all about what you're going to do with them. Isn't it about time to get squeezing?

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC

Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown

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This experience has tremendous significance above and beyond the NBC T-shirt I get to wear to tell all my friends that I've been filmed for national TV. It focuses directly on what I believe is the principal cause of crisis in the lives of adult men and women: the overwhelming (and paralyzing) fear of dealing with their personal issues. It's not too strong a characterization to call this process 'facing your demons.' It's always much easier to deal with the externals of a life going off-track than it is to come face-to-face with the changes that each of us needs to make in our beliefs, our attitudes, and our behaviors. Those two denizens of self-defeat, denial and blame, are constantly at hand to see to it that we never actually face and bring closure to the old patterns we use to provide ourselves with a sense of safety, even when those patterns have progressed way beyond futile: all the way to harmful.

What I took away from my experience of confronting my personal demons on national TV — and supporting my fellow participants in their efforts to do the same — was an appreciation for our collective and individual courage. Each one of us, without exception, was willing to go to any lengths to do the work necessary to move forward. Personally, that provided me with a sense of belonging beyond anything I had experienced before. Certainly I felt that I shared common bonds with each of us who embraced this experience, but it went way beyond that. I came away with a feeling of belonging in my own skin and taking my place in this universe to which I was entitled by birth. I experienced it as an accomplishment beyond anything I've done thus far. Every other accomplishment — like feats of physical strength or skill, or achieving academic honors, or speaking or publishing or whatever else I've done — have all been open to being bettered: I could get another degree, write another book, speak before a larger audience, create a more successful business, etc. Confronting the personal demons that continue to weigh me down and trip me up (especially with the world watching) provides a once-in-a-lifetime experience that can't be repeated or surpassed. Life-altering experiences like this one, by definition, are unique.

We just love to be distracted. Most of us would do almost anything to remain distracted: the ubiquitous iPod, TV and radio going every waking moment, food or mood-altering chemicals of any sort to make us feel good inside, activities that pour on the adrenaline and give us an emotional boost. There's literally no end to the things that we can do to make ourselves feel better without ever having to confront the reasons or causes for our feeling pain. The 'crisis' that comes at midlife comes down to a crisis of courage. For whatever reason, we've become addicted to feeling the way we feel, and we're afraid that if we face those issues head-on that we'll have to change. It goes way beyond the fear that we'll have to change our behavior; it goes all the way to the terror that we'll have to change our beliefs about ourselves and about the world and how it functions, and we'll have to change our attitudes as well. We'll no longer be able to look at ourselves through the fog of denial, and we'll no longer be able to shrug off our personal responsibility by clinging to the banner of blame. We're basically terrified that the buck really does stop here (with us personally).

The feelings that I've come away from this experience with are almost indescribable. Even after all the work I've already done to confront and combat the forces of denial and blame in my own life, experiencing the results of my having the courage not only to do my own work, but to do it publicly and for the benefit of others who may not (yet) have the courage to take on their personal demons has gone way beyond anything I could have expected. I sense that others will be able to tap into the courage that my fellow group members and I have shown and 'borrow' some of our courage to be able to do their own work. When life — especially midlife — seems too difficult to endure, here's an opportunity to reach out and take heart from what we have done and where we have gone. I always wanted to make a contribution to my world; I really hadn't expected when I signed on to this opportunity that this would be the greatest contribution that I could have made up to this point. I hope and pray that anyone currently struggling with midlife issues who has had an encounter with me and with my work will be encouraged to reach out for help, if not to me, then to someone whom you respect and admire. The truth is that, when it comes to change, together we can do what we cannot do alone.

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC

Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown

*The program is scheduled for broadcast sometime in January, 2010.

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