Forgiveness is a skill that requires lifelong study and practice to gain any sort of proficiency at all; and yet it is the one and only skill that will infallibly determine whether we experience our existence as a triumph or a tragedy. Since the emergence of human consciousness, people have gone to incredible lengths to discover the so-called ‘secret of (a happy) life’, yet the ‘secret’ is perfectly simple and perfectly obvious to those who have the spiritual eyes to see it: forgiveness. On the surface, it seems way too simple, like the prophet Elisha telling Na’aman the Syran general to wash in the Jordan to cure his leprosy. Yet developing this one little skill plumbs the very spiritual depths of the person who we think we are.

When we feel wronged, what are our choices? In fact, we are faced with only two choices: to forgive; or to exact vengeance. The course of action you choose to pursue will tell you a great deal about yourself: your self image and your beliefs about who you are and your relationship to the world in which you live. If you take nothing else whatever away from this article, I’d like you to consider deeply this one point: forgiveness (or the lack thereof) is all about you and never about anyone else or any external situation.

When you choose to deflect the focus off what’s going on in you, you practice avoidance. This happens when you are too fearful to look inside yourself and to critique the basic belief systems you’re holding on to that make you feel victimized. You are not a victim; you never were a victim; it’s impossible for you ever to be a victim. Sadly, your deepest insecurities (and you’re not alone in this) get in the way of your seeing yourself as the invulnerable spiritual being that you really are.

At this point, I’d like to recommend that (if you haven’t already done so) you spend a year following the 365 exercises in the workbook accompanying the book, A Course in Miracles. The Course teaches many things, but, if I were to distill it down to its essence, I’d have to say that the core message of the Course lies in its understanding of the nature of forgiveness. It’s not something that you can get simply by reading about it. Head knowledge is great, but insufficient. Forgiveness is a skill that requires much practice to develop mastery.

So, let’s say you feel that you’ve been wronged. What then? Once you acknowledge that someone (or something) has hurt you, you have the option of taking your anger out on someone or something. This is what I’ll call the vengeance option. You’ve been hurt, so you want to hurt someone back. How many times have you become enraged and allowed your rage to overcome you? What’s going on with that? Your fearful ego has told you that you’ve been injured and that someone else is responsible for that. You feel the overwhelming need to set things right by “evening the score” and inflicting an equal or greater wound on the other. So long as you feel wounded and believe that the other is responsible for your misfortune, you’ll cling, if not to a desire for outright vengeance, then at least a seething resentment that we call “holding a grudge.”

All you really want to do is stop the pain, and, without a spiritual perspective, you may strike out either at another, or at yourself. Do you drink at your problems? If alcohol or drugs are your first line of defense against pain, there’s a very good chance you may be an addict. People who are not addicted to numbing behaviors do not employ them as their first line of defense/offense. In addition, these self-destructive approaches to dealing with the pain of being wounded are also inhibition deadening. They allow us to do (dysfunctional) things that we would not otherwise do if we were not under their influence. And, once the numbness has worn off, what remains is a searing pain of guilt and shame far worse than the original pain experienced from the (supposed) offense. Addictive behavior is truly self-destructive. That is something that our friend Richard must take a deep, hard look at: why has he chosen the bottle as his first response? If addiction is in play, then, until the addictive behavior has been adequately addressed and dealt with, forgiveness cannot happen. Addictive responses always hurt you.

Whether you choose to get even or to hold a grudge, refusing to forgive another locks you in a prison of your own creation with no possibility of parole. Please consider this Zen Buddhist story for the insight contained within it:

An old monk and a young monk were walking a long distance when they came to a stream. On the bank was a very beautiful young woman wearing a rich and fabulously expensive sari. The woman was weeping. “Why are you weeping?” asked the old monk.

“Because I must cross this stream to attend my favorite uncle’s funeral, but, if I do, I will ruin my best sari,” she replied.

“Here,” said the old monk, “Climb on my back and I will carry you across.” The woman did as he suggested, and the monk set her gently down on the other side. The two monks continued on in silence for a long tim.

“Father,” said the young monk, finally breaking their silence. “I need to ask you a question. How could you, with your vow of celibacy, not only speak to a woman, but even allow her to touch you and to carry her on your back?”

“My son,” said the old monk, “you have much to learn. I put her down beside the stream; you are carrying her still.”

Such, also, is the nature of vengeance. It is truly ironic, because, in your attempts to get back at the one who ‘injured’ you, it is yourself who becomes fixated on the event, very often long after the other has forgotten about it entirely. Whenever you seek to punish another, it is always yourself who is hurt the most. Withholding your forgiveness is a sin, rightly enough, but a sin against your own holiness and perfection. Truly, no one can hurt you without your permission, and, furthermore, you do that very thing to yourself whenever you choose vengeance. Look at the damage that Richard has caused to and for himself by his dysfunctional belief in the power of vengeance.

The refusal of forgiveness always stems from a mistaken belief about yourself: you believe that you have been hurt and that you are a victim. This is a false and self-destructive belief. In fact, regardless of what has happened (and regardless of what it feels like), you have not been injured. In fact, you cannot be injured! Forgiveness — that is, letting go of the pain — is simply an acknowledgement that nothing has happened. Can you wrap your mind around that fact? Spiritually, you are invulnerable! Even if you were to loose your reputation, your livlihood, your freedom, your health or even your life at the hands of another, your essence as an inviolable human being, beloved of God (however you may conceive of God), remains untouched. Your only duty, when faced with this kind of pain, is to ask yourself, “What is my lesson in all this?” Only then, rather than embracing self-destructive and self-defeating beliefs, will you be free to grow and deepen your spiritual awareness.

Which approach do you take to the pain? Which do you want to take from here on out? What do you have to do today to make that happen?

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

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We’ve been following the masterful lead of Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas who wrote the book, The Five Languages of Apology. We’ve explored at some depth the first four “languages” that need to be spoken before our relationships can be healed: “I messed up!” “I’m sorry!” “What can I do?” and “I won’t do that again!” Yet, if we find that we’re among those who want a ‘quick fix’ and instant relief from guilt without having t0 do the hard work that it entails, we may be looking for the other (be it our human relationships, our relationship with our Higher Power, or our relationship with our own selves) to release us from the consequences of our actions gratuitously. Whether or not we’re ready to admit it, we seek forgiveness; whether it will have any meaning for us or not (that is: whether or not it’ll make any practical difference) totally depends on the effort that we’ve been willing to make to create positive change.

Your guilt forces you to labor under a heavy burden. There’s no doubt that experiencing forgiveness relieves you of it. It’s no wonder you’re anxious to hear the words that can set you free from the bondage of inequity that you experience as soon as you realize that you’ve made a mess. Some who read this will be aware that I am a retired Catholic priest. Both the theology and practice around what is now known as the “Sacrament of Reconciliation” (we used to call it “Confession”) respond at the deepest possible levels to our need to make right whatever damage we may have mistakenly or deliberately caused. The weight of our guilt presses us down until we hear the words of absolution: “I forgive you!”

In my experience, for those relatively few for whom the Sacrament of Reconciliation was s0ught as the final stage in the mental, emotional, and spiritual process of reconciliation, my role as representative of the spiritual community could not have provided me with more of a sense of humility, honor, and satisfaction. I spoke not as an individual, nor as a representative of God, but as a representative of the spiritual community (the Church) of men and women who struggled together within the context of the grace of God. In their name (in your name), I spoke words of forgiveness and reconciliation. As I have said before: we seek and find reconciliation with God and with our own selves only through reconciliation with one another. What a privilege it was to be the representative and ‘minister’ of that reconciliation!

Once you have progressed through the stages of acceptance, acknowledgment, restitution, and conversion (growth), only then will you be ready to ask for and to receive true reconciliation and forgiveness (and the release from the burden of your sense of guilt). Yet the responsibility for taking this last step does not lie in those who were injured by your choices and behaviors: as through this whole process, the responsibility rests entirely on you. Although forgiveness is always a gift of love (something to remember when it’s our turn to forgive another), it’s up to you to ask for it.

Why is it that we so often fail to receive the help that we so ardently desire from others and from our Higher Power? Isn’t it because too often we’re simply afraid to ask for it? This fear of asking for help isn’t something that pertains only to men and their unwillingness to ask for directions. We are all scared of asking for help: scared that we’ll appear weak; scared that we’ll be refused; scared that we’ll be taken advantage of when we’re feeling down and particularly weak and vulnerable. However, the fear that prevents us from asking for the help that we really need — and keeps us from asking for the forgiveness that we want — is just another form of arrogance: if you only knew just how vulnerable and needy I feel, you’d never respect me again. These, of course, are lies of the ego, and they keep us enslaved by the chains of guilt so long as we listen to them. It requires true courage to present yourself to another in all your unvarnished nakedness. Yet, without it, forgiveness, however available it may be, remains distant and stuck.

Please note: none of this involves “punishment.” Some people believe that forgiveness is impossible without punishment, correction, and vengeance. Some are unwilling to let others off the hook without imposing “punitive damages.” When we are guilty of this kind of thinking, what we’re really doing is looking for pay-backs. Gandhi clearly saw the insanity of such an approach when he said, “An eye for an eye only ends by making the whole world blind.” Not only does asking for forgiveness authentically require great humility, granting that forgiveness requires it equally so. To make things right — to reestablish order in the universe — we are required to request and to grant forgiveness with equal measures of humility and humanity. Such is the measure of our love; such is the measure of our spiritual maturity.

Vengeance does not help the object of our punishment; it only forces that person deeper into victimhood. Furthermore, exacting vengeance creates a second guilty perpetrator: the vengeance-seeker her- or himself. When we we seek vengeance from another, or to punish another, or when we rejoice when others are made to “pay” for their “crimes,” we commit our own crime: that of setting ourselves up as superior to others and, therefore, of refusing to recognize in another our common (and inalienable) humanity. Humanity is an absolute — a superlative. When we judge another, we thereby deny them their humanity (no one can be “more human” than another without the other being seen as inhuman: consider the Nazi treatment of the Jews and the enslavement of people of color). In every case, those who set themselves above others as their masters or teachers or jailers or judges, end by denying their own humanity. Forgiveness has no place there.

As someone committed to maturity and spiritual growth, it’s your job to ask for forgiveness when you realize that you’ve messed up. It’s the singular exit point from your own personal hell of guilt. It’s your responsibility. What about the person whom you’ve wronged or harmed? Do they have to forgive? Can they refuse? What would that do to you?

The answer is, yes, they may refuse to forgive you, but that will have absolutely no affect on you (other than foretelling the future of your mutual relationship). When someone refuses to forgive, s/he chooses incarceration in the prison of vindictive resentment. Refusal to forgive locks that person into a perpetual reliving of the past, while the person asking is free to rejoice in a present pregnant with the prospects of a new beginning. Once you’ve asked for another’s forgiveness, your job of error correction is ended, and your commitment to building on that experience has begun regardless of whether or not your request for forgiveness is ever answered.

In short, whenever you do wrong, whether mistakenly or on purpose, all that you need to turn the experience from a failure to a victory is to set your ego and its fears aside, go deeply and honestly into your humility, and focus on the person you shall become once you recognize and embrace the lesson that’s yours to learn.

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

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This is the essential factor in the process of cleaning up your mess that rejects all blame and rationalization and commits you to a long-term program of increasing your self-awareness, deepening your consciousness, and changing those thought patterns that led you to choose poorly in the past. This, in fact, is where “the rubber meets the road” in terms of turning your attention away from reactive efforts to make up for the past and toward proactive effort to create a different future for yourself and those who depend on you (within our outside of your conscious awareness of them). Here’s your opportunity to get down and dirty with yourself, to unearth those dark corners of your soul where you feel most unloved and vulnerable, and commit to taking positive action to addressing those areas with spiritual courage.

When you create wreckage, it’s because you’ve applied the wrong formula to the wrong problem. Merely accepting the right answer isn’t enough. You need to correct the formula you’re using so that the next time the problem comes up, your answer is the right one the first time. This is how we learn and grow: try, fail, correct, try anew, succeed!

Facing the wreckage of our lives with insight and the courage to “change the things I can” defines this stage of apology as an essentially spiritual step. Whenever we need or want to create transformational change, we need to recognize the profoundly spiritual nature of our work. It’s a totally “inside job” that has three essential phases to it: honesty, openness, and willingness. Each phase contributes its part toward empowering us to make substantial change toward authentic growth and the realization of our human potential. This is the essential process that drives us toward the fulfillment of our God-given destiny — as individuals and as humanity.

The first phase is a commitment to honesty. That demands that you lay aside all blame and rationalization and that you embrace the person that your behavior has revealed you to be with humility. Are you fearful? Are you angry? Are you arrogant? Are you self-centered? Are you judgmental? Seeing your character defects this way in the light of your bad behavior can bring up defensiveness: “You’d be that way, too, if you’d gone through what I did!” And yet, we’re not responsible for what others have done to us; however, we are responsible for our reactions to that. We all have built-in defense mechanisms that we created to keep ourselves safe when we felt overwhelmed. However, now, those defenses are no longer serving us. They’re keeping us from connecting effectively with others and with our Higher Power. When bad behavior reveals our own dysfunction, it’s time that we accepted our condition honestly. It’s time that we admitted the weaknesses that we’ve so long tried so hard to cover up to ourselves, to our God, and to another human being. Humbly admitting the truth will, indeed, set us free from it.

Openness implies the readiness to look at the situation differently: to change our minds and get rid of old beliefs that no longer serve us. As an adolescent, I was deeply angry at my father for not being close to me. All that changed when I went through a spiritual crisis that caused me to take another look at the situation. I discovered to my surprise that, from my earliest recollection, I continually judged my father’s attempts at connecting with me as insufficient. There was nothing he could do to satisfy my childish demands. In effect, I pushed him away, then blamed him for not being emotionally present. Once I saw my truth, I was open to looking at the situation from a new perspective: forgiveness became possible, and I was then free to reinterpret our relationship. Once you’ve taken an honest inventory of yourself, you have the opportunity to see the same old hurts and injuries and woundedness you have always experienced festering there, and to give those experiences new meaning. You don’t get to choose your experiences, but you do get to decide what they mean for you. When you discover a meaning that no longer serves you, you can be open to experiencing it differently. That’s your choice.

Finally, willingness is just another name for courage. Many people read spiritual and inspirational books. Self-help is a popular genre. You can read inspired authors like Maryanne Williamson and what they say can resonate in your heart and in your head. Then, like many people, you can file what you’ve learned away like you’ve done with the plots of novels you’ve read over the years, and go on about your business creating the same kinds of messes that have entrapped you numberless times before. Willingness means giving practical answers to these questions: 1) how am I going to think and feel differently about these experiences when they come up again? 2) what practical steps will I take to avoid falling into the same reactive traps I’ve set for myself in the past? and 3) what decisions will I make now about how I will change my behavior when these things come up again?

This stage of cleaning up your mess is all about change, and everybody hates change. It’s painful, it requires both humility and courage, and it takes a lot of energy to change. Yet, change is synonymous with growth. As grew from childhood to adolescence, we experienced physical ‘growing pains;’ as adolescents growing to adulthood, we experienced mental and emotional ‘growing pains;’ now, as adults growing into spiritual maturity, our ‘growing pains’ are at a far deeper level than ever before: at the spiritual level. That’s why one of the most important shifts of consciousness we can experience at this stage of life is to see our messes not as failures, but as spiritual growth experiences. Take to heart the old saying, “No pain; no gain!” and embrace your mess (with all the pain that goes with it) as a gift and your golden opportunity to make a difference in your world — for that is precisely what it is!

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

What is the nature of these vitally important relationships. We live in a three-dimensional world, and our relationships, too, are three-dimensional (whether or not we are aware of them). Let’s take a brief look at what it means to be in relationship.

At the center of our relational awareness are all those other people who share our lives and/or our consciousness. Our significant other or spouse, our parents and/or children, our extended family, our ‘family of choice’ (our BFFs), our acquaintances (our fellow-workers, those we hire, those who serve our needs and wants). Then, there are those nameless faces who we encounter as we go about the work of living: the other Joes and Janes ‘on the bus’ (so to speak): the ‘extras’ who share the stage with us for a moment or two, interact with us (or not) and then depart, never to be seen again. They’re all there. But there are many more ‘out there’ — people who never even enter into our awareness or consideration. These are all the people who share a relationship with the people who interact with us.

Our behavior not only affects those with whom we share a relationship, like ripples in a pond, what we think, say, and do has a very real affect on those unseen people in our world who are affected by those we affect. A parent becomes angry at a child because s/he has had a “hard day” because the boss was in a foul mood. The boss is in a foul mood because one of his customers pulled a dirty trick on him, and caused him to lose the business. The unreasonable customer is not even aware that the crying child exists, but you can trace the effects of her/his actions directly. As we shall see, there is no such thing as an ‘isolated’ incident: everything we do has consequences in the world of our relationships.

The second ‘dimension’ of our three-dimensional world of relationships refers to the connection that we maintain with our Higher Power (whom I shall refer to here as God). My personal experience has been that the Judeo-Christian belief system seems to bridge the chasm between the divine and the human better than any other system of which I am aware, and that is an absolutely essential connection for building and maintaining a vital spiritual life. The Judeo-Christian traditions insist on the fact that our relationship with God exists only in and through our relationship with our fellows. “Whatsoever you do to the least of these, my brothers and sisters, you do to me,” Jesus is quoted as saying. “Where two or more of you are gathered in my name, there am I within/among you (en humin).” Genuine spirituality discovers the divine within the human. Therefore, our relationship with God stands or falls as a direct consequence of how we interrelate with one another . . . particularly those whom we find most troublesome!

The third dimension of our three-dimensional world of relationships is the one that I fear we ignore and neglect the most: our relationship with ourselves. Most of us would break up with a partner who treated us the way we treat ourselves. We’re hard on ourselves, uncompromising, merciless, speak to ourselves rudely, punish ourselves, and, what’s perhaps worst of all, we withhold affection, kindness, and appreciation from ourselves. At the same time, we tend to be neglectful and ridiculously permissive. It would literally be a criminal offense if we raised a child the same way we tend to parent ourselves. At the same time, we seem to be unaware that we are responsible not only for living up to our social responsibilities, but we are also even more responsible for holding up our own side of those responsibilities. Every time we hurt or neglect our relationship with ourselves, we make ourselves less available to show up for all those relationships that we talked about with others.

There is no such thing as a ‘solitary sin.’ (We define ‘sin’ as a deliberate choice of an unworthy end, or unworthy means to attain an end, worthy or not. ‘Sin’ is distinguished from ‘mistake’ by the willful, conscious choice.) Every bad choice we make first of all damages our relationship with our (present and future) selves. Our choices can injure or even kill any possibility we may otherwise have had of reaching our God-given destiny. Whether or not we are aware of them, others (may hundreds or thousands of people) will be directly affected by our choices. People we don’t even know depend on us; and when we are not the people we could have been (and should have been), we let them down. Finally, God is manifest in and through these people. Your choices cannot ‘hurt’ God; but they can injure or destroy your relationship with God! We can only pray for forgiveness for those who turn their wrath on others in the name of God, because most truly, “they know not what they do.”

In the past two articles, I’ve discussed the first two approaches to cleaning up the wreckage that we’ve caused by our bad choices: first, by acknowledging our responsibility for our mess, then, by expressing genuine sorrow for what we’ve done. Now that we’ve taken a look at the far-reaching effects of our actions, we may want to deepen that acknowledgment, and expand our expressions of sorrow. After that, it’s time to take the third step: into action. It’s time to do the work necessary to heal all these injured and broken relationships. That starts with asking, “What can I do to make it up to you?” Then, it requires listening to the answer (not only from family, friends and acquaintances, but also from ourselves and from God) and then doing something to make amends.

There is always something you can do. You can start by changing your mind and working to renew and repair your attitudes. Then you can renew your commitment to pay more and better attention to the most important relationships in your life. You can work to heal yourself. What’s that going to take? Look at yourself as if you were a third person and ask yourself what this person needs; then do something to provide that. Get help! One of the most powerful (and under-used) tools for positive change that you possess is accountability. Use a trusted friend, a coach, a mentor, a therapist, etc. to provide you with that accountability. It can work magic! Then work to appreciate better the relationships that you have. Each one takes time and effort. Do whatever is necessary to repair, heal, and strengthen each one (regardless of how unimportant you may think some to be).

One final caveat: don’t think that just because you’ve prayed, “Oh, God, I’ve sinned and I’m sorry!” that you’ve done anything significant. What happens when you get to stage three and pray, “What can I do to make it up to you?” God is going to say (and has already told you) what needs to be done: “Heal your relationships with one another.” So long as any relationship in your life (including your relationship with yourself) remains unhealed, your relationship with God remains injured or broken. Reality doesn’t respect doctrine: whatever your personal beliefs may be, spirituality demands that your relationship with your Higher Power be healed in and through your other relationships. “Whatsoever you do to the least of my sisters and brothers, you do to me.”

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

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First, though, a word about mistakes: little ones are not tragedies, nor are they insignificant; big ones are not unforgivable. Messing up is simply a part of life. To err is not only human, it is also necessary. You can’t do everything perfectly the first time (or the second). Occasionally, you may experience ‘beginner’s luck’ and accomplish something that’s beyond your level of expertise, but that experience seldom lasts. Eventually, you’re going to push your luck beyond the breaking point and, behold! you’ve made a mess! If you’ve been raised in a dysfunctional household, you may either feel as though you can’t do anything right and have learned not to try, or you may have numbed out your feelings to the extent that you just blunder on through, letting the chips fall where they may. Neither approach will work for you in the long run.

I’m going to approach the question of cleaning up life’s wreckage using the schema offered by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas in their book, The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships (to give credit where credit is due). The first step toward cleaning up your mess is to acknowledge that you’ve created one. As I mentioned before, making a mess is not the end of the world. It doesn’t make you a bad person, even when the mess you’ve made is rather . . . shall we say . . . substantial. For many people, this is the most difficult step of all. Fearing shame, people very often go to incredible lengths to hide the truth and to prove to themselves and to others that they’re perfect, and somehow immune to the faults and failings that everyone struggles with. Gentle reader, this, in itself, is a tremendous mistake!

The first lesson that anyone in the midlife transition needs to learn is that a little guilt won’t hurt you. Guilt is that feeling that comes over us when we realize that we’ve screwed up. This is not a bad thing! Experiencing guilt can be a powerful motivator to do better (when we are able to accept it, rather than let self-centered pride keep us from experiencing it). We get a rude wake-up call when we see the results of our actions creating the opposite effects from those we wanted or expected. Then, there’s that nagging voice inside your head that keeps saying, “Whoa, Dude, you really screwed up this time!” What do you do then? If you’re wise, and if you’re spiritually connected to both the strengths and weaknesses of your humanity, you’ll listen. Where does that incredibly strong desire to ignore and to silence that voice come from?

It comes from shame. (Healthy) guilt says, “I did a bad thing.” (Unhealthy) shame says, “I am a bad thing.” Silencing guilt leaves a person incapable of learning from mistakes (it’s the underlying mechanism behind the sociopathic personality). Feeling shame, on the other hand, leaves a person incapable of accepting responsibility for his/her actions. That’s why, as a first step toward cleaning up your messes, it’s so important to silence your shame (it lies to you) and embrace your guilt (it motivates you). We might even say: “There’s no shame in admitting your guilt!”

Here’s where the real growth happens: admitting that you’ve made a mistake. Sometimes the results are so obvious that you (and everyone else in the world who experiences it with you) realize immediately that something’s gone wrong. “Oops!” you say, “that didn’t work out the way I planned.” Sometimes, the results aren’t so obvious, and it’s not clear that you’re the one behind what has happened. The temptation then is to keep the “Oops!” to yourself, even when other people have obviously been affected. Behold: shame doing its dirty work.

Here’s a vitally important principle that most people are not aware of: there’s no such thing as a solitary action. No matter how few people you may interact with on a day-to-day basis, your thoughts, words, and actions are never done in a vacuum. When you mess up, your actions have an effect on you: who you are today and who you will become in the future. To the extent that your life touches other people — your family, your friends, your co-workers, and even people you interact with in the most casual circumstances — to that extent your mess will touch and affect them, too.

Accept it or not, like it or not, your every thought, word, and action takes places within the context of the entire human family. It’s not enough just to own your responsibility in your own mind, or even just to admit it to God in the silence of your prayer. At some point, taking responsibility for whatever wrong you’ve done — intentionally or not — has to include the broader community of which you’re a part. This is (in my understanding) the first ‘language of apology’ that we need to embrace, saying to yourself, to God, and to another human being, “I’ve done wrong, and this is what I’ve done.”

One final caveat before we part: although if we want to clean up our mess, we have to come clean and accept our responsibility, we don’t have to create a bigger mess when we do that. It would be an even bigger wrong to compromise our own futures and the futures of those whom we care about and who depend on us by needlessly advertising the hurts we’ve caused. In many cases, we need ‘to let sleeping dogs lie.’ It will be enough to share our guilty secrets with a trusted spiritual adviser, therapist, mentor, or even a long-term close and trusted friend. If you’re unsure whether or not to tell someone who is unaware of what you’ve done to them, use this rule of thumb: when in doubt, don’t. Talk it over with your adviser first. Pray about it. Above all, be prudent: don’t compromise your life and others’ needlessly.

Next week: Cleaning up the Wreckage Part II, “I’m sorry!“

H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2010 H. Les Brown

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