Why are the holidays so very challenging at midlife? There’s no question about it: they certainly are. One of the principal reasons that men and women at midlife find the holidays so difficult is that they’re all about tradition. Certainly, tradition speaks to our need for consistency, history, continuity, stability and security, but those are things that can be in very short supply around the holidays. Remember: the universe is all about change. In fact, the only constant in life as in the universe is change. No wonder we long so ardently for security and stability! It’s the one thing that’s missing from the real world. So, from an early age, we all try (mostly in vain) to create it for ourselves and our families.
At midlife, men and women enter into a phase of life that is unique. Unlike adolescence that marks the transition from childhood tutelage to adult independence, midlife marks the transition from adult independence to mature responsibility — what I recently called “the unbearable loneliness of choice.” Stuff happens at midlife that most people have been shielded from during adolescence. It’s not as though we’ve had a target painted on us at midlife that says, ‘misfortune: strike here!’ Rather, we’ve just been around long enough so that we’ve at least begun to experience the tougher realities of living: things like death, serious illness or accident, and loss of loved ones. At midlife, many of us look to the holiday season wanting to experience the comfort and joy that we may have felt in the past (particularly in childhood), whereas the reality that we find ourselves facing may be starkly different. Our memories and fantasies provoke in us an expectation that’s bound to be disappointed.
The holidays are never the real issue. What gets us into trouble during midlife comes down to a question of our attitudes. Do we not perhaps believe that life owes us a happy holiday season (especially after all we’ve been through)? Isn’t that what many of us have come to expect from the way we were raised and how we’ve been indoctrinated by the advertising media, in particular? If you’re a good boy or girl, Santa will come by to bring you everything you could ever wish for . . . or so we’re led to believe. In life, goodness has nothing to do with it. Life happens, whether we want it or not, and whether we’re ready for it or not. And, as you’re probably quite aware by now, a lot of it happens at midlife. Will this holiday season live up to your expectations? That all depends, doesn’t it? What, after all, are your expectations?
If you want the holidays to be “as good as” those in the “good old days” (and don’t pretend that you don’t remember and yearn for those “good old days,” no matter how old you are), you’re bound to be disappointed. Those days are gone, and only the memories linger. You’ll never recreate them, no matter how hard you try, no matter how many heirlooms you bring out of storage to decorate, in an attempt to recapture the feelings of those moments. Keep in mind, first of all, that our nostalgia has a way of scrubbing clean the events of the past. We don’t generally pine for the holiday disagreements and even disasters that we’ve experienced. In the clear light of day, with the sentiment set aside, we would have to admit that the “good old days” were no better or worse than yesterday . . . only different.
I know that you’ve lost something since the last holiday season. How do I know? It’s not because of the economic downturn, it’s because of the nature of change that characterizes life itself. In order for tomorrow to become today, today has to become yesterday. Living people and events must necessarily pass from immediacy into memory. Reality is like that. If, especially at the holiday season, you want to go back and revisit the past, you’re opening yourself up for a frustrating season to come. How can you celebrate when you’re living with loss?
There are two answers to that question. I take the first answer from the Jewish Passover Haggadah (I know: wrong season). The story of the exodus from Egypt begins thus: “We were slaves in Egypt . . . ” Not our forefathers: we. The Haggadah doesn’t go back to revisit the past, it makes the past present. And that’s what we at midlife have got to do: neither to forget the past nor try to go back and relive it, but bring the people and events from holidays past and include them in the living present. That brings us to the second answer.
What is ‘traditional’ anyway? It’s a ceremony or celebration or event that ‘worked’ once, and that we enjoy doing over and over again, until . . . until what? Until it doesn’t work anymore! The frustration comes when we try to make work again what used to work (in different times and in different circumstances) but may not be working anymore. What happens, for instance, when key personalities that were a vital part of holidays past are no longer there? When we talk about changes in ‘dynamics,’ that’s what we mean: the power — the impetus — has shifted. At midlife, you can no longer be carried along in passive bliss by the power of the moment. At midlife, for holidays, as for all other aspects of your life, the power and the responsibility shifts from ‘it’ and ‘them’ to you! If you want to have a happy holiday, what are you going to do this season to make it so?
When two people form a new family, one of the first negotiations that has to happen is all about creating new family holiday traditions. The same thing happens at midlife. The burden is now on you to create the holiday that you want to have. As I mentioned earlier, you can bring the events and people from the past with you and make them a part of your celebration. But, remember: it’s your celebration, not theirs! This is your opportunity to put your power and your creativity into action and make for yourself a holiday worth remembering. It’s your opportunity and your choice. You needn’t feel as though you’re being deprived of anything or missing anything. You can do a magnificent job of taking care of your needs this holiday season. It’s never too late to have a happy holiday!
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown
Tags: adulthood, attitude, change, choice, Creativity, holiday, holidays, mastery, maturity, midlife, power, tradition, traditions, transformation