I’ve been working on a program to help guide people who are recovering from a serious (perhaps painful) life experience and are having trouble getting back up on their feet. It gave me the opportunity once again to explore the grieving process. Keep in mind that almost all life transitions result in the grief process, not just the physical loss of a loved one. Whenever change occurs, something must be lost, in order for something new to be gained. That ‘something’ that is passing away has, at least for a time, been an integral part of you. In the context of midlife, there are many things that we value highly that pass away so that full maturity can emerge. Those things that age takes away can be deeply missed.
As I went through Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ famous five stages of grief, I noticed how each of the four preliminary stages, in its own way, represented a refusal to accept the loss that is staring you right in the face. Certainly, you can see it in denial, where the mind simply refuses to allow the reality to sink in: “This can’t be happening.” In anger, you rage against what’s going on in a futile attempt to force it to stop. “I won’t allow this!” Once the anger has played itself out, then comes bargaining where you try more gentle coercion techniques to try to buy your own way. “If I do this, maybe that won’t happen.” Finally, depression represents the full impact of the refusal to accept things the way they are by turning the frustrated energy inward against one’s self. Depression, they say, is anger turned inward. “It’s useless; I give up.” How does fighting against the facts make the midlife transition more difficult?
We’re all familiar with the term ‘aging gracefully,’ and most of us manage to accomplish that — at least occasionally. But we also have those moments when we find ourselves leaving some youthful aspect of ourselves or other behind after much kicking and screaming. You may not be aware that those midlife tantrums of yours are just another form of grieving. Whether you’re prone to moments of not ‘acting your age’ or becoming enraged at yourself or others when your performance doesn’t live up to your expectations, or trying to replace some facet of your life with another piece that just doesn’t ‘fit,’ or even just turning yourself into a ‘couch potato” . . . it’s all your way of refusing to accept things as they are.
When you try to use these grief modalities to fight against change, you’re probably not fully aware that you’re simultaneously fighting against growth. Can you imagine what your mouth would look like if your body refused to lose your baby teeth? I’d guess it would look really bizarre. The same is true with your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual growth: unless you allow the old and used-up parts of you to be sloughed off, there’ll be no room for the growth that’s coming.
Take, for example, what happens with all sorts of addiction. Because all change involves loss (to make room for the new), all change also involves pain. Pain is never punishment; rather, it’s your Higher Power trying to get your attention so that you will make the choices necessary to support the change that’s happening in your life. People who are prone to addiction, however, are determined to fight against the pain by using whatever is available to medicate it. When people medicate the pain associated with growth, the growth doesn’t happen the way it was meant to. It becomes stunted, like the stem of a plant trapped underneath a rock. The growing pains only increase, and the addict has to increase his or her ‘dosage’ to counteract it until, at some point, the pain caused by the medication itself becomes unbearable. Yet, even after the addict has been ‘detoxed’ from his or her drug of choice, the unaddressed growing pains remain, only so much worse now, because they’ve been neglected for so long.
Make no mistake: the human mind is the most powerful force in the universe. You can fight against the facts as much as you want to and for as long as you want to. You can use any modality at your command: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, — even medication — to ward off having to face change. That won’t stop it, however, and it certainly won’t make things any easier for you in the long run. The more you fight against it, the harder you’ll fall when you run out of steam. Your mind in denial may be the most powerful force in the universe, but the energy required from you to keep reality at bay is so great, that, sooner or later, that great power will just poop out. The universe’s energy is inexhaustible; yours just isn’t. If you’re fighting the facts about anything — particularly midlife — just pray that you give up before you give out. Refusing to accept the transition into maturity isn’t a cause worth dieing for.
Look around you. You’ll see people in various stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Some of these people are still fighting against the change from childhood through adolescence to adulthood. They’re grown-up kids, enmeshed in adolescent naivety and rebelliousness. Then there are those you can identify who are trying to re-live their adulthood with new jobs, new houses, new cars, new wives or husbands, only to avoid the unavoidable midlife transition to maturity. If these people only knew what they were missing!!! I’ve said over and over again that maturity is that stage of life for which everything else has simply been the prelude. If you’re stuck in a stage of grief, take a look at what you’re struggling to hold on to, then let go! You’re fighting a losing battle against your own best interests!
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown
Technorati Tags:
acceptance, anger, bargaining, denial, depression, change, grief, mastery, mdilfe, maturity, transformation, transition
Tags: acceptance, anger, bargaining, change, denial, depression, grief, mastery, maturity, midlife, transformation, transition