We
here in the United States are witnessing a very strange — but at the
same time very human — reaction to changes in the way our citizens pay
for their health care. People are fighting fiercely (some would say
irrationally so) for their point of view to win out. It's no secret
which side of the debate I stand on: I'm all for change. What I'm
observing, though, is that those who are fighting the most fiercely as
those who are opposed to the change. It's a perfect example of
systems theory at work, which says, "A system faced with change will
resist it, even fiercely, in order to maintain the status quo even when the change is for the benefit of the organization."
That's why I say that what we're experiencing in this country seems so
strange: attempts to fix a system that's admittedly broken, unfair, and
resulting in needless deaths are met with unbridled fury.
What does this have to do with the midlife transition? I think it
offers us a powerful lesson. If we're going to be successful at
navigating the many life-altering transitions that we have to face at
midlife, we're going to have to be prepared to be fierce
about it. As in all things worth doing, "Half measures avail us
nothing." We are facing . . . and we're going to continue facing . . .
serious changes as we continue to evolve from child through adolescent
through adult and finally to maturity. Changes confront us . . . and
will continue to confront us . . . in each of the three principle
circles of influence: our families, our careers, and our own health and
well-being. Many of these changes are . . . and will continue to be . .
. radical and upsetting. In every case, we're forced to confront these
changes fiercely, or allow them to overwhelm us. How our lives play
themselves out — as success or as failure — will depend to a great
extent on whether we choose to confront these changes as opportunities
for growth or in opposition to our own stubborn wills. Either way, our
battle for survival will be fierce (or none at all). How can we turn
the ferocity of our determination into an evolutionary transformation
that will result in our becoming stronger, more committed and more
powerful people than ever before?
The key to our success lies in embracing fierce transformations. Here's what I mean.
Fierce transformations require that you become fiercely independent.
This attribute is key to the midlife transition. In order to come into
your own and to become the person who you were always meant to be, you
must leave behind you all your reliance on other people's opinions and
expectations. These things are necessary to see you through the
adolescent transition from childhood to adulthood, but they're like
training wheels on a bicycle: when you approach true maturity, it's
time to leave them behind. Embracing fierce independence means that
you've been able to internalize the truth that other people's opinion
of you is none of your business.
Fierce transformations therefore also require that you maintain fierce commitments. You know and can clearly state your
personal core values. The values on which you base your decisions are
the ones that have proven to be tried and true, and
the ones to which you've chosen to give your full commitment. The
fiercely independent person can easily be recognized as someone who is
a person of high principle. You have no trouble looking deeply into
your eyes in the mirror and valuing the person who is looking back.
Fierce transformations furthermore require you to become a person of fierce integrity. You recognize in yourself — and others recognize in you — the unwavering virtues of integrity and honesty. Integrity depends entirely on fierce humility.
Since we define humility as seeing yourself as God sees you and acting
accordingly, being fiercely humble simply means refusing to get caught
up in any kind of pretense and grandiosity. It means being well aware
of your strengths, fearlessly acknowledging of your failures, accepting
of others (whoever they may be and whatever they may do or say), and as
ready to apologize as to forgive.
Fierce transformations also require of you fierce loyalty.
The word 'loyalty' is nothing but a synonym for the word 'love'.
Loyalty, like love, means making a decision and not just feeling an
emotion. This means recognizing that, no matter how fiercely
independent you may be, you cannot succeed alone. The term 'human
family' has to mean more than just a platitude. You recognize that
we're all in this together, and, as Benjamin Franklin once quipped, "We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately."
Fierce loyalty means that when one of your brothers or sisters is in
need, and you're in a position to be of assistance, they know that
you're the one they can count on.
Fierce transformations in addition require from you fierce trust. Many people wrongly characterize this as the so-called theological virtue of 'faith,' when, in fact, it's really 'hope.'
As men and women fiercely committed to faith in a Higher Power, we can
fiercely trust that the universe has a direction and, as part of that
universe, our lives cannot be directionless or purposeless. Trusting
that we've been given a purpose and destiny, and that we haven't been
led this only to be dropped on our heads, we gain the courage also to
trust others who demonstrate that they are people of good will. We as
readily rely on their good will as we forgive their well-intentioned
failures.
Finally, fierce transformations always require that you maintain fierce endurance. Regardless of any other character strengths or weaknesses you may possess, this one is, by far, the most critical because obstacles and setbacks are inevitable and your constant companion through life. Far from being obstacles, they serve to provide the footholds that can bring you to your next level of achievement (whatever that may be). Your life experience can be likened to that of a cyclist pedaling uphill. The steeper the incline, the more energy you have to expend and the more pain and exhaustion you're likely to experience. However, should you decide to stop pedaling to rest, you won't just stay where you are on your path: you'll roll backwards. That's why we have to understand the challenges and difficulties that we face as opportunities rather than as obstacles. They provide the resistance that we need in order to grow and develop.
Now, ask yourself, just how fierce are you prepared to be? The success of your transitions and the quality of your life depend on the answer to that question.
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown
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