I often talk about the three arenas where the drama of the midlife transition plays itself out: in the career or workplace, in the primary relationship (or, indeed all relationships), and in your own health and well-being. Today I'd like to discuss one aspect of that transition that has more impact all three of these arenas than perhaps any other: the aspect of communication and, even more specifically, disagreements. Although disagreements occur only in the first two arenas (we seldom, if ever, 'disagree' with ourselves), unresolved or poorly-resolved disagreements can have a very serious impact on our personal health and well-being. We'll do well to take a close look at what we can do as Midlife Masters to manage disagreements skillfully.
During my discussion last week with Jim Duzak, "The Attorney at Love" who was my guest on the Midlife Matters internet radio program, I learned that many people who still care for each other break up because they have given up on trying to communicate with each other. When communication breaks down, then relationships break down, and then both party's sense of personal well-being becomes compromised. I truly believe that many work and personal relationships (and egos) could be salvaged, if people only worked at perfecting the skills involved in resolving conflict and coming to consensus (meaning, "I can live with that decision"). As a coach, I've learned a great deal about how people communicate, and as a partner in a committed relationship (fourteen years last Friday), I've learned how hard it is to implement those lessons. What follows is the result of my personal knowledge and experience.
Here are The Midlife Master's Rules of Engagement:
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Keep your purpose in mind. Your purpose ought to be to resolve the disagreement and come to a resolution of your differences. Too often people allow the heat of the moment to distract them into heading off on tangents until the partners suddenly discover that they can't remember what they're arguing about. Stick to the point. Whenever you find yourself off-topic (and off-task), gently bring yourself back to the main issue. If there's a question whether or not to bring in another topic use this rule of thumb: "When in doubt, don't!"
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You can disagree without being disagreeable. There's a difference between fighting and arguing. It's the difference between heat and light. An agreeable conclusion is always possible so long as both of you approach the discussion with good will. You can have a very animated discussion without getting nasty about it. Many of the rules that follow are tools that you can use to diffuse conflict and keep the discussion on a healthy, respectful, and non-hurtful plane. The purpose of your discussion is not to determine who's right and who's wrong, but, rather, to come to a conclusion that you can both live with.
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Talk about the subject, not your partner. This is just a corollary of the first rule: keep your purpose in mind. Your purpose is to resolve the issue not to change your partner. You're unlikely to effect a change in anyone's behavior other than your own. You have no control over how your partner behaves, either inside or outside the current discussion, so trying to change him or her is most likely an exercise in futility and a waste of your breath. Focus on the point at hand and let your partner deal with him- or herself.
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Avoid trigger words. The word 'why' is unique among words in the English language (and that may very well be true in other languages, as well). For whatever reason, the limbic brain interprets the word 'why' as a direct challenge that triggers a pre-conscious reaction from the autonomic nervous system: the 'fight, flight or freeze' response. In other words, asking 'why' puts your partner immediately on the defensive without his or her even being aware of it. Since your object is to seek resolution of the issue at hand, putting your partner in the discussion on the defensive defeats your purpose (he or she can no longer hear you). Using other similar words can avoid this problem (for example: 'what was the reason' is not a trigger).
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Avoid absolutes and exaggeration. You do yourself no favor by over-stating your case. The words 'always' and 'never' have no place in an argument, since they are always an exaggeration and they are never accurate. Using exaggeration almost always pushes the discussion off-topic, because it provides a perfect excuse to focus on the inaccuracies in your statement rather than the subject at hand. The very worst approach you can take is to start a statement with "Why do you always . . . "
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Avoid advice-giving and lecturing. Here are some more words that signal trouble in your discussion: 'you need to', 'you ought to', and 'you should' (as well as 'why don't you'). These phrases signal that your aim is to change and/or control your partner's behavior rather than seeking common ground. As I mentioned before, the only person whose behavior you can influence — particularly in an argument — is your own. If you can keep your attention focused on the subject rather than on your partner, you will avoid the temptation to change the focus of the discussion from it to him or her.
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Avoid impugning your partner's motives. Only God knows the secret motives of the heart. Even a trained and licensed psychiatrist can only come to a conclusion regarding another's motives based on what he or she has been told. No matter how well you know your partner, you have no real idea what's going on inside his or her head. You are perfectly free to disagree with your partner's statements about his or her reasons for doing or saying something (you can certainly say, "I don't believe you"), but you do not have the right to speculate about what the real reasons may be ("You're only saying/doing that because . . . ").
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Avoid injustice-collecting. Once again, this is a corollary to the rule about sticking to the topic at hand. Someone who practices injustice collecting operates from what I call a 'victim mentality.' That means that you suffer in silence when things don't go your way. There's also no 'forgiving and forgetting' for an injustice collector — anything your partner's ever done that you didn't like is fair game. Dredging up old garbage (either never properly handled at the time or not fully atoned for in your own mind) only muddies the water, puts your partner on the defensive, and spells doom for the purpose of your discussion. Don't do it, and don't allow your partner to do it to you.
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Avoid ultimatums. This is just another reminder that you're not in control of your partner's behavior. Furthermore, you're not going to generate good will by attempting to force an issue. Most times, an ultimatum is a bluff, and, in anger, your partner may be just in the mood to call it. Even if it's not a bluff, putting consequences in the form of an ultimatum puts the power over your own decisions into the hands of your partner. Saying "If you do this, I'll do that" puts you in a bind. It's perfectly acceptable to say, "I can't live with that . . . if you decide to do that, I'm going to have to consider my options."
- Watch your body language. Only about 1/3 of our interpersonal communication happens through our words alone (that's why e-mails can be so dangerous: they lack the other 67%). Most of what we communicate happens through our tone of voice and body language. It's a real challenge to develop such self-awareness that you stay cognizant of your tone, your facial expressions, your gestures and posture (while concentrating on what's being said) to such a degree that your non-verbal statements communicate only what you consciously intend.
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Keep your cool and your dignity. Feeling anger during a heated discussion is healthy. Acting on the anger is not. It is never OK to be physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive for the sake of winning an argument. When you yield your self control to the feelings of the moment, you've lost any hope of achieving your purpose (which is to reach a consensus). Remember: you are in control of you. It's your responsibility to remove yourself from a discussion as soon as you feel that your self-control is being compromised, or that your partner has crossed the line of respecting you. Your approach should be, "I can't talk about this now. Let's take a time out and come back later when we've both cooled down." For the sake of your own safety (and decorum), first say it, then do it . . . regardless of what your partner may say or do. It's your responsibility to diffuse a deteriorating situation; you don't need to wait for permission.
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Stay engaged. Learning to argue within the rules means staying with it until you've reached a conclusion that both of you can live with. Shutting down, giving up, or other passive-aggressive approaches will not achieve your purpose. Passive-aggressive behavior is equally aggressive as active-aggression, and equally as destructive to a relationship. As I mentioned before, so long as both of you are approaching the situation with good will (a necessary ingredient to any discussion), a consensus is achievable, even if the discussion continues over a number of sessions.
These are some of the fundamental rules that can turn otherwise destructive arguments into constructive communication. Undoubtedly, there are others (if you can think of any, please send them to me, and I'll gladly add them to this list). What's most important about them is the fact that if you at least follow these few suggestions, you can exponentially grow your chances of maintaining a healthy, contented and spiritually-centered midlife transition in all three areas of concern: your career, your relationship(s) and your own sense of personal well-being.
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown
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