Regardless of when it starts, midlife provides fertile ground for the crop of life's escapist excuses to take root and flourish. They say that aging isn't for wimps, but it hits all of us alike: from the wusses among us to the bold and beautiful. At midlife, the challenges of aging (the physical, mental, and emotional changes that we all must endure) start to make their presence known such that we can no longer pretend that they're not really happening to us. It's also then that we start to discover those handy excuses that we think will get us off the hook and keep us doing whatever it is that we want to do, disregarding the consequences.
Here . . . I'll start your favorite excuse for you: "I'm really sorry, but I just can't! I'm too [fill in the blank]." And here are some words that you can use to fill that blank: "tired," "busy," "out of shape," "out of practice", and the favorite of all, "old for that sort of thing." You can always top it off with, "Besides, my [fill in the blank] hurts." The dirty little secret that we all pretend that nobody knows about comes down to this: transitioning through middle age brings with it all kinds of convenient excuses for not doing whatever it is that we'd rather not do. In every instance (short of actual physical disability), we could — and should — replace the word "can't" with the more honest word: "won't."
Sadly, our midlife excuses all too often do become self-fulfilling prophesies. There comes a time where our sheer laziness and unwillingness to exert ourselves takes a permanent toll. Our career fails to prosper because we've fostered the belief (in ourselves and others) that we're no longer up to making the grade. Our relationships become cold and distant because we're no longer willing to make the personal sacrifices necessary to take care of one another and do whatever is necessary to make others feel important and valued. Finally, our health and well-being suffers because we've not only talked ourselves out of growing physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, but also out of even performing the minimum work to maintain our status quo. Yet, all indications from available data show that much of this sad situation is avoidable with some determination and good old hard work.
Yet, nothing is possible so long as you're intent on living in excuses. It's so much easier to say "I can't do [fill in the blank]" and blame your refusal on factors beyond your control (like growing older) than to be honest and admit that you're too lazy or scared to do the hard work necessary to keep up. In my experience, midlife is that time of life — especially for men — when people give themselves permission to cop out (as if everyone else can't see through our lame excuses, because we're all using the same ones)! Like all the other untruths we tell others in the course of a lifetime, these, too, serve only to fool ourselves. We look around us at people who are older than we are and achieving things that we only dream of, and curse our bad luck (while knowing in our heart of hearts that we're unwilling to do the work necessary to achieve similar things. To have the life we say we want at midlife requires not so much a change of luck as a change of mind and heart.
Rare indeed is the man who has the courage to face the midlife transition head-on without flinching. These are the guys who frequent the gym, who watch what they eat, who are constantly reading, constantly learning, taking on new tasks, going for new experiences, challenging themselves and their partners, experiencing set-backs without complaint, engaging in spirited discussion, networking actively with others, dedicating themselves to causes and volunteering for charity, and so on and so on. What's the difference between them and most guys? They have the courage to live life to the full and most guys . . . well . . . just don't.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: midlife mastery isn't magic. It entails simply changing your mind so that the challenges that you face no longer appear to you as obstacles (which, to my mind, represents the victim mentality) and now appear as what they really are: opportunities. Here's just one example. Some years ago, I read a pamphlet on human growth hormone (HGH). As we age, our HGH levels naturally decline. One of the serious side effects of this hormonal change is a decreased capacity to build lean muscle mass. In effect, as HGH levels decrease, the amount of work that it takes to build and maintain muscle mass increases. As a result, staying fit takes more effort as the years go by. Subconsciously, I took that as a great excuse not to work out as hard as I once did: after all, with declining efficiency, nobody could reasonably expect me to work that hard could they? Now, this week, as I interviewed my guest, midlife fitness expert Lani Muelrath on my radio program, I learned that exercise can restore HGH levels! There went my excuse!
My advice to everyone reading this who may at some time have thought that he (or she) was "over the hill" and not up to doing what you "used to do" is the same advice that Lady Macbeth is reported to have given to her husband: "Screw your courage to the sticking place!" What is required to win an uphill battle is only more fortitude and determination. Rather than join those who would need to replace your "I can't" with "I won't", you can instead replace it with "I will" (and then do it).
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown
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