Earlier this week, my partner, Craig, sent me a story in an e-mail from his work. I thought it was one of the best of its kind that I had read in a very long time, so I want to share it with all of you. Here’s the story:
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ‘ Tell me what you see.’
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, mother?’
Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
‘Which are you?’ she asked her daughter. ‘When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?’
Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Nobody’s immune from landing in hot water from time to time, especially at midlife. The question is never whether or not you’re going to be in hot water (you will), but what you’re going to do when you get there. You will do something! There’s a fabricated story going around about putting a frog in a pot of water on the stove and ever so gradually increasing the temperature of the water. The story pretends that the frog won’t notice the gradual increase until its too late and it’ll boil to death. That’s not what happens: when the frog gets too uncomfortable, it’ll jump out of the water (just as you would). When things get too uncomfortable, you will act; what you need to ask yourself is: what will you do?
The ‘carrot’ option and the ‘egg’ option are really just two varieties of the same choice: you can play the victim and pretend that adversity has gotten the best of you. It’s not that adversity doesn’t change us — it does — but it’s a matter of how we are changed. All adversity presents us with an opportunity to grow. Even Nietzsche said, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” He said, “. . . makes us stronger” not makes us harder. So long as we’re pushing the envelope, there’s no such thing as ‘failure.’ We learn by our mistakes. We discover more about ourselves when situations call on us to produce more than we think we can. None of this casts us in the role of ‘victim.’ That happens only when we give up and take a defeatist attitude, saying to ourselves: “I’ll never make it,” “I’ll never love again,” “I can’t do it,” or “I quit.” Remember what Henry Ford is quoted as saying: “Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.”
Your deepest strength lies in your capacity to transform your situation, regardless of what it may be. Compare those whom you’re aware of who have received a death sentence and who have nonetheless deeply touched those around them by their integrity and courage (like Farrah Fawcett, for example) with those who have received the same news and have taken that opportunity to drag those who loved and cared for them down with them. I think we’ve all known of such people.
That reminds me of the change of heart that Elizabeth Kübler-Ross had as she studied the dying. At first, she thought that there was no difference between those who believed in a Higher Power and those that didn’t. It seemed to make no difference in how much difficulty they had getting to acceptance. Deeper investigation, however, showed a clear difference, once Kübler-Ross realized that claiming belief and having faith were entirely different matters. Those with an active spirituality were much less likely to see themselves as victims, and they were much more likely not only to reach acceptance more quickly but also to exert a transformative influence on their situations and on those around them.
I’ve said all along that the midlife transition is essentially a spiritual one. It’s a transition from being externally-focused to becoming interiorly-focused. ‘Maturity’ in this perspective means shifting your focus from the superficial to the essential in your life. With that shift comes the inner capacity to transform your outer environment. It derives from a growing conviction in your heart that you are invulnerable: that even death itself cannot defeat you.
I challenge you to look at the difficulties you face right now at midlife: troubles in your relationships, troubles with your career and finances, troubles in your health and well-being. Now, rather than trying to ‘fix’ them, why not ask yourself on a daily (or even an hourly) basis, “What can I do with the knowledge and experience that I’m gaining through this?” What can you do now that you couldn’t do yesterday? What new paths and opportunities have opened up along your way? What stranger will you meet today — that Angel in disguise — who, when you welcome him or her, will grace you in unexpected ways? Even in the midst of the noise of fighting or the crying and screaming that may be surrounding you, what’s God’s “still small voice” telling you in your heart of hearts that you haven’t heard before now? Life: it’s ‘good to the last drop!’
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown
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