It’s really fitting that the song, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” is by a group called The Clash. That tends to be THE major midlife question for many people, doesn’t it? I don’t honestly believe that anyone at any time who has been in a relationship of any depth at all and who hasn’t asked him- or herself that question. There are many reasons that this happens to everyone. It’s part of our human nature, and it’s part of the nature of human relationships.
Everyone brings to a relationship an odd mixture of personality traits, learned behaviors, and a set of expectations, some realistic, others not so much. Everyone also brings to a relationship a certain capacity for trust, for communication, for openness to change and growth. Finally, each person brings his or her own willingness to commit. As always, my guest on this past week’s internet radio program, “The Unstoppable Coach” Frankie Picasso, gave us some wonderful insights. One of these was the difference between ‘trying’ and ‘committing.’ It was a distinction I had never thought of before, and one that bears more consideration. I’ll get back to that in a minute.
With everyone coming to his or her relationships with a different and, perhaps, completely unique set of personal ‘baggage’, you’d think that preparation for getting involved in a relationship would be of paramount importance. At the same time, I’d be willing to bet that a very large percentage — if not the majority — of failed relationships happen because of inadequate preparation: those involved haven’t done their ‘homework’ and haven’t done the hard work necessary to develop necessary skills like self-reflection, or empathetic questioning, or even just ‘fighting fair.’ Some years ago, I took instrument flight instruction. Up to that point, I had thought that I was a decent pilot, and had been very successful flying all over the East Coast, into Canada and even to the Bahamas. As I started my training and learned the skills necessary to perform precision flight maneuvers, I was shocked to consider that for so many years I had been allowed to fly with such a poor skill set. For a mature person, one who is going through or has gone through the midlife transition, recognizing the poverty of our relationship skill set should be a real eye-opener. In flight, my life (and the lives of my passengers) depended on my maneuvering skill set; in living, the life of my relationship depended on my communication skills. I believe the bottom line here is the quality of your relationship will depend greatly on the amount of effort you’ve spent preparing yourself for it.
People make mistakes. Besides lacking even basic preparedness for the stresses of an adult relationship, very often people with a tendency toward addictive behaviors become strongly attracted to those with complementary issues. We call it “diseases calling to one another.” These are often people who consider their partner to be their “other half.” They feel incomplete, and the sense of completeness they experience around the pathological ‘yin’ they find to their pathological ‘yang’ (or vice versa) becomes not only compelling: it can become overwhelming. Yet, in relationships, two sick people do not a well person make. Instead, such relationships exhibit strong symptoms of dis-ease, such as cling-clung behaviors or the ever-popular ‘I love you; go away!’ behavior. Have you ever experienced a couple whose very existence as a couple could be designated a war zone? These dysfunctional relationships are often mistakes and may need to be terminated in order to free both parties to start again on a new basis. These may often be mistakes, but they’re not always so. If each partner is committed to developing a new tool kit of healthy attitudes and behaviors and if each partner is committed to learning new ways of interacting, then even a once-dysfunctional relationship can be salvaged. It’s certainly not easy, there are no guarantees of success, but it can be done!
Once we move beyond the realm of unpreparedness and mistakes, that doesn’t mean that we’re beyond the issues posed by our human relationships. The assumptions that we carry with us into our commitments begin to be challenged almost from the outset. But, it’s generally only at midlife, when our core assumptions are put on the line, that relationships can get really dicey. Remember that the attitudes that most people carry with them as they approach midlife are denial (there’s nothing wrong) and blame (even if there is something wrong, it’s certainly your fault). The conflicts that arise in a maturing relationship are never about the other person, no matter what s/he has done. There’s a wise saying that goes, “Dating is for learning about yourself. A relationship is a 24/7 date.” Keep in mind, also, that if a relationship has lasted for the long term, all the obvious easy lessons have been learned. What remain are the covert, deep-seated, core issues that are very hard to get at and even harder to address. If you keep hacking away at the sweet pulp of any fruit, you’re eventually going to be left with the bitter seeds. At midlife, you face serious challenges to your assumptions about who you are and who your partner is. There’s very little room left for window-dressing.
If you’ve passed the ‘preparedness’ test, and you’ve weathered the ‘mistake’ phase, you’ll probably, sooner or later, wind up here at the “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” question. Here’s where the difference between ‘trying’ and ‘committing’ that I spoke about earlier comes dramatically into play. A relationship is a living entity that is more than either one of you. Yet, it’s wholly dependent on both of you for its very lifeblood. You can’t ‘try’ to be in a relationship with someone, anymore than you can ‘try’ to pick a pencil up off your desk. As Master Yoda told young Luke, “Try not; do.” Or, as some are fond of saying, “Trying is lying.” Your relationship depends entirely on your level of commitment; but it’s not just a commitment to the relationship, it’s also a commitment to change and growth on your part. Even a so-called ‘toxic’ relationship can be saved, but only if both parties are completely committed to becoming personally more healthy.
Every day, someone leaves his or her life partner to find or to acquire someone ‘better’. And very often, some of these people discover that the relationship they created was as bad or worse than the one they left. If patterns of dysfunctional behavior are following you around, take a look at the common denominator: it’s YOU! Change lies at the heart of the midlife transition experience, but it’s not about changing the world or changing others; it’s only about chaning yourself. If you’ve accepted that challenge and you’ve committed yourself to growth and change and to building the best relationship possible, but your partner is only ‘trying’ to get along, then the answer to the “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” question becomes evident. However, if both of you have what it takes (the commitment to growth) to make the midlife transition into maturity — no matter what kinds of difficulties you may be having in your relationship today — then where there’s life there’s hope. The midlife transition, once completed, brings with it miraculous transformations; so, if you’re both in it for the long haul and for better or worse, don’t quit before the miracle happens!
H. Les Brown, MA, CFCC
Copyright © 2009 H. Les Brown
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midlife, mastery, adult, maturity, relationship, commitment, trying, divorce
Tags: adult, commitment, divorce, mastery, maturity, midlife, relationship, trying
June 9th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Thanks Les. That really hit the spot!
September 16th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Dear Les: the only reason for failed relationships is the two people involved just don’t care about one another and were just using one another. That’s all. You don’t have the motivation to make things work when the person is nothing to you. When real unconscious connection and chemistry is there there’s no problem with commitment and commitment to making things work.
September 16th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
I appreciate your taking time to comment on this article, but I can’t agree with your assessment. I think that human behavior and motivation is far more nuanced and complex than you suggest. For example, I know of many people who care very deeply about each other but who have found it impossible to make their relationship work. It’s nobody’s fault, and certainly nobody could be accused of ‘using’ the other; yet their relationship ended. Sometimes all the good will, caring, and commitment in the world can’t overcome personality differences, hormonal changes, extreme changes in personal or family life (for example, the death of a child). Different people have different capacities for enduring hardship.