Intimate relationships create virtual minefields for the midlife transition. In a sense, it’s no wonder that so many aren’t able to withstand the pressures that come with transitioning from adulthood to maturity. The effects of the massive hormonal changes that occur in both women and men during this period of life can’t be underestimated (and I’m afraid that only recently I’ve been brought up to date on the full effects of andropause, sometimes known as ‘male menopause’). During a period of life where, at least for men, the dominant feelings are restlessness, irritability and discontent, adding hormonal disruptions to the mix can prove to be explosive.
Human beings may be ‘made for’ intimacy: after all, our family units tend to survive into adulthood and beyond. Regardless of how someone may define ‘family’, those intimate relationships constitute the core of any meaningful human existence. At the same time, family members — be they in your family of origin or your family of choice — hold a powerful weapon: they know where your ‘hot buttons’ are hidden, they know how to push them and often, when push comes to shove, they’ll do it. Of course, you also know where theirs are hidden, too, so when yours get pushed, you have the chance to push back. Ouch!
Let’s turn our attention for the moment to (what we hope is) your most intimate and, at the same time, most vulnerable relationship: your spouse or partner. I hope that, once upon a time, you fell madly, passionately in love; or, at the very least, at one time you grew to love and appreciate one another above anyone else. Rational, healthy people don’t generally decide to form permanent relationships with people in whom they have only a passing interest and nothing else in common. It happens often enough, but I want to confine my discussion today to relationships between moderately healthy people. For these relationships, something more than the superficial has ‘clicked’ and, therefore, something worked.
To set the stage for midlife, you have to fast-forward a number of years (generally 3-5). You can think of yourself and your partner as two gears, turning in opposite directions, but working very well together so long as the teeth of one gear smoothly mesh with the teeth from the other. Of course, not all the teeth mesh perfectly . . . vive la difference! At first, our differences provide a yummy spice to the relationship. However, over time, these differences, these uneven teeth in both people begin to chafe. Like a minor rattle that seems easy to ignore when everything else is humming in perfect harmony, in time the humming becomes just background noise, and all you can hear is that cursed annoying rattle! Ironically, the more smoothly a relationship functions, the more disrupting the trouble spots may seem.
So, when you put it all together, what have you got? Trouble! First, you’ve got a relationship that’s functioning well except for a few rough spots (that are unavoidable). Then, you’ve got two people who’ve been bruising under those rough spots for some time, and, for whom they’ve taken on a bigger-than-life energy of their own. On top of this, you’ve got one (or both) parties going through the midlife re-evaluation on every level: mental, emotional and social/spiritual. Now add on the not-exactly-coincidental hormonal disruptions in both partners. Now that you’ve got two hair-trigger tempers facing each other down in the confines of relationship and . . . finally . . . hand each one the other’s ‘hot buttons’. And you thought World War III was just theoretical! What do you do?
First, let me tell you what you don’t do: whatever you do, don’t press that button! Face the facts: you can’t ‘fix’ the other person, especially by going on the attack. You can’t change his or her mind. You can’t ‘get’ the other person to modify his or her behavior to suit you. You can’t ‘win’ and you can’t improve the situation by playing the innocent victim of a cruel attack.
You also can’t run away. Since at least half of the problem resides in you, when you try to escape, you bring the cause along with you. Can you find a new relationship that works better? At least for a while, you’ll have different areas of disagreement, so the old areas will certainly feel better . . . at least until the new areas become old and you’re back where you were with nothing solved.
Relationship experts far and wide will give you the same advice: get your finger off that button, regardless of how often the other presses yours. Change your mind: you’re not a victim and your partner’s not to blame. Accept the fact that both of you are in pain, that neither one of you can fix the other, and that you may have to do this all by yourself, or with the help of someone outside the relationship (like a therapist), because the one you love and trust the most isn’t available to you right now. Most of all, you can remember that pain isn’t a tragedy, it’s an invitation to change. Pay attention to it. Find out what it’s trying to tell you. Why, after all, does that ‘hot button’ of yours exist? What weakness, insecurity or self-doubt does it access? Find that out, deal with what’s going on inside you, and you’ll grow regardless of the outcome of your relationship problems.
Will this approach save your relationship? No one can predict. One thing’s for sure: it’ll save your side of it. It’s impossible to say whether or not your partner has the commitment, self-knowledge, stamina and determination to assume the same responsibility. If he or she does, then you’re golden: growth happens, the ‘hot buttons’ are disarmed, some salve is rubbed on the chafing areas, you rediscover the beauty of the harmony that the two of you make together, and that once-annoying rattle just becomes another part of the symphony. And remember: midlife doesn’t last forever. If you can both do the tough relationship work ahead of you and hold on through the hormonal roller coaster and process the internal reorientation of your life, you’ll have it made! Ideally, someday, when the two of you are once again playing, "Button, button, who’s got the button?" you’ll both laugh and realize that your answer will be: Nobody!
H. Les Brown, MA, FCC
Copyright © 2008 H. Les Brown
Technorati Tags:
midlife, mastery, button, hot, victim, defense, partners, spouses
Tags: button, defense, hot, mastery, midlife, partners, spouses, victim