Midlife Mastery Journal

I’m ‘re-pairing‘ my midlife survey. No, it’s not broken. Let’s just say
that the first time through taught me a great deal about what worked
and what didn’t work; also, what was valuable information and what
information I was missing. Silly me: just because I wanted to focus on
guys going through midlife transitions, I offered the survey only to
them. I hadn’t planned on offering the survey a second time, but now I
realize two things: 1) I want to have many, many more
responses and 2) I want responses from women, too. The (rather obvious)
reason behind my choice derives from my sense that fewer women
experience midlife crisis than their male counterparts. However,
without some real data to back that up, it remains just an anecdotal
and logical assumption. So I’m re-preparing (re-pairing?) my survey.

Although I’ll be very careful not to allow my suspicions to influence the questions I ask and the way I ask the questions, I want to be very up-front with you about them. I will be very interested to see whether or not the data (scientific or not) support my experience. I suspect — alright: I believe — that the infamous midlife crisis is a product of our particularly western culture. I also believe that the closer one’s culture comes to the North American version, the more severe the midlife crisis is apt to be for the male (if not for the female) of our species. Let me share my suspicions with you.

The first cultural phenomenon that aggravates the midlife crisis for men derives from the fact that, in our culture, men are assumed to be more competitive than women. Like all cultural assumptions, that translates into an internalized expectation that a man needs to be competitive to be a ‘real man’. Unfortunately, the behavior norm that reduces midlife stress is cooperation: something that, in our culture, is often considered to be a ‘feminine’ trait.

The second cultural norm that negatively affects men in our society who are dealing with the midlife transition is the assumption that success is achieved (particularly for men) through ‘rugged individualism.’ Certainly, by defining success in terms of ‘doing it yourself’, the individual (man) needs to appear and behave as though he were entirely self-reliant. Not only is the social group (including the family) very secondary in importance, any semblance of reliance on a social group for help or support is viewed as a ‘feminine’ (and, by inference, an inherently weak) trait. As a result, men who are most in need of social grounding and support are often the least able to seek, accept, or even acknowledge it.

If it’s true that, as I strongly assert, midlife transition represents that period of life where both men and women find themselves challenged to move beyond the constraints of childhood assumptions and expectations (in the face of behavior patterns that are no longer ‘working’ for them) and into a period of mature self-possession, then this is precisely the period that people most need reassurance that what they’re going through is not only normal, but healthy, that others are going through it with them, and that there are people who will continue to love and accept them even when they’re divesting themselves of accepted cultural norms.

There are only a few possible approaches that you can take when you find yourself faced with a midlife transition. As I’ve mentioned before, these approaches rather closely approximate Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief (1) denial 2) anger 3) bargaining 4) depression and 5) acceptance). It begins with denial: that I can continue to live happily under the influence of my childhood assumptions and expectations. Yet, midlife is precisely that period when those assumptions and expectations break down and become dysfunctional. Denial can only last so long. Then comes anger, when you act as though you believe the reason your life isn’t working anymore is that other people are sabotaging you (you’re the victim, of course). That’s when your boss has it in for you and and your wife and kids don’t really understand you. That’s the time of really acting out.

Surprisingly enough, acting out like a spoiled brat doesn’t go far toward making your situation any better. The wreckage of career, family and personal integrity bears stark witness to the truth: extreme rejection of norms and values only makes the situation worse. Now the poor individual going through midlife crisis finds himself unwilling to go back to childhood and unable to go forward along the path he has recently chosen for himself. Now it’s bargaining time: ‘How,’ you say, ‘can I get what I want and still keep what I had?’ You want to have your cake and eat it. Why can’t you have a wife and a girlfriend at the same time? Other cultures accept it, don’t they? Or, if I’m willing to give you some of what you want, will you give me some of what I want, too?

Of course, none of these pseudo-approaches actually address the deep transformations that are going on inside; at times, it seems to you that no matter what choice you make, nothing seems to get any better. The final stage of grief (before acceptance) is depression, which, according to an old definition, is ‘anger turned inward.’ It’s allowing the sense of futility and victimhood to overtake you. At that stage, the resolution lies only a change of attitude away, if only you have the courage to make that change. However, once you’re able to see the question differently, once you’re able to redefine the ‘problem’ for yourself, the ‘solution’ appears very clearly and simply before you.

The critical structures that women possess but that most men don’t are just two things: 1) a willingness to open up and talk about what’s really going on with them, and 2) an ability to rely on a support community outside of themselves for help (and, naturally, the willingness to ask for that help). The sad shackles that keep men bound to their childhood assumptions and expectations are fundamentally cultural, so getting released from those shackles involves undergoing a serious cultural shift. Fortunately, the whole basis of the midlife transition lies in the questioning of fundamental assumptions and expectations. The real tragedy would be if we believed, even for a minute, that men didn’t have the courage to be able to change their minds. You do; you can; you have; and you will again.

H. Les Brown, MA, FCC

Copyright © 2008 H. Les Brown

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