In today’s "Style" section, Washington Post writer Henry Allen treats his readers to a virtual journey into those not-so-halcyon early days of television that we of a ‘certain’ generation remember so fondly. . . . Well some of us remember it fondly . . . even if, in fact, I was only just born midway through the year he wrote about (1948). I do remember distinctly that, after we got our first DuMont TV in the early 1950′s, all playtime had to come to a complete halt at 5:30 p.m. when the world’s most popular TV program — The Howdy Doody Show — came on. Not even the Good Humor man could drag me away from Doodyville.
Let me just add that if you have the least memory of what I’m talking about here, you’re officially old. Join the club. Yet, Allen’s article gives a decidedly odd twist to the same-old, same-old nostalgia. He tells about being one of those rare kid guests (the Peanut Gallery) on the NBC show in New York. It’s an article all about how a 7-year-old had his youthful disillusionment confirmed by the unglamorous world of early TV. He describes the experience like this: "Clarabell, it seemed, was just another grown-up in the grown-up world that seems shopworn and unhappy to little kids, a world of foreclosing possibilities and ugly appetites." In fact, he goes on to say that ". . . disillusionment has another advantage besides conferring adulthood: It’s life’s own supply of raw material for laughs." Is that so?
Disillusionment. Is that what confers ‘adulthood’ on a child? Or, is that only one of the ‘rites of passage’ into the second stage of life that we call becoming an adult? What makes the confirmation of cynicism — and the cynical humor that accompanies it — a good sign of becoming a ‘grown-up’? I have real reservations about this line of thinking. It sounds way too much like a romantic break-up to me: one that’s still incomplete even after 60 years. What happens when a romance turns sour? It tastes bad, doesn’t it? In fact, the flavor of that whole aspect of life turns downright bitter. In every case, the tell-tale emotions themselves proclaim the real story: you’re not really over over the affair. For almost 40 years, I’ve known clearly that the opposite of ‘love’ can’t be ‘hate’ — they’re the same emotional dynamic expressed in different forms — the true opposite is indifference. Isn’t it clear that cynicism lies at the far end of the emotional scale from true indifference? Henry, I have bad news for you: you’re not over your affair with innocence yet.
Here’s the point that I’ve been attempting to make ever since I picked up the mantle of the Midlife Prophet: what we identify as ‘adulthood’ is really just ‘childhood’ part two. In fact, it belongs to that ever-shrinking second stage of life that falls between childhood and midlife (which, of course, marks the transition to stage three). I’m here to suggest that what we call ‘adulthood’ is really just a couple of decades in which we process the five stages of grief. For those of you who’ve left your handy Elizabeth Kübler-Ross tome abandoned on a bookshelf somewhere, the stages are 1) denial 2) anger 3) bargaining 4) depression and 5) acceptance. I don’t know about you, but I don’t see much difference between ‘cynicism’ and ‘anger’. No wonder young Henry Allen experienced its beginnings at age 7! The wonder would be that he’s still experiencing it at age 67!
The amazing thing about a successful midlife transition appears to be the fact that it marks the passage from the fourth to the fifth stage of grief, from depression to acceptance. In fact, the great thing about navigating that passage with grace is that you finally arrive at a state of emotional equanimity where all the denial, anger, bargaining and depression have passed away. You can actually come to a state of serenity where it’s OK that Doodyville consisted of a bunch of actors and technicians (some with bad attitudes) that were surrounded by a bunch of ugly equipment. As they say, "It is what it is." The other half of that saying should be " . . . not what you’d imagined it would be."
Midlife — the transition into that blessed third stage of life — necessarily brings with it that emotional state that spiritual writers for generations have termed "holy indifference." In that holy indifference, I can see through any disillusionment I may have felt during my ‘adulthood’ all the way to gratitude for the genius and blessing that brought a sorely-needed joy into the life of a little child (me) just exactly when he needed it most. And that, my friends, is no small gift.
H. Les Brown, MA, FCC
Copyright © 2008 H. Les Brown
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midlife, transition, adulthood, disillusionment, cynicism, grief, acceptance, blessing
Tags: acceptance, adulthood, blessing, cynicism, disillusionment, grief, midlife, transition
July 31st, 2008 at 11:09 am
Midlife Mastery Blog: Disillusionment and the Second Stage of Life
The disillusionment that marks the transition from childhood to adulthood is all a part of transitioning through the famous five stages of grief. Midlife means acceptance.